Wednesday, May 22, 2002

Toadies and Toadability

I want a toadie. I really do. I was thinking about it today, while I was taking the slow-ass elevator down to the first floor to get a cup of coffee. "Why me?" I thought, "Why am I getting a cup of coffee for myself?"
"Self," I said, "You need a toadie." That's right. A Toadie. A Stoolie. A Pigeon. A Yes-man. A Sycophant. A Bitch. I need one. Someone to do my bidding. For those late night chicken-wing whims, I wouldn't have to go to all the trouble of driving downtown--I'd simply shout "Toadie! Wings!" And my Toadie would serve them up to me. And if I needed another beer--I'd simply send the Toadie out. Smokes? Toadies job. Calling in sick to work? Looks like a job for--the Toadie!
So, if you're agreeable, slightly violent, and incredibly loyal to me, I am now accepting applications. Please leave your resume in the comment field.

Ciao,

Ned
blarg

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

The Nigerians are Coming! The Nigerians are coming!

I've been getting a lot of traffic from people who are looking up ole Dr. Williams Ossai (or Ossai Williams, he tends to switch)...just to let you know, the reason I've been fucking with him is I figure if I can take up his time responding to me, the less time he has to defraud little old ladies. And it's fun. But please, if you were thinking about doing business with Dr. Ossai, know that you're probably not going to see any of the $21 million he's offering you--in fact, you'll wind up poorer for the deal. There are some good Nigerian scam sites out there, I'm too lazy to link to them now, but just Google Nigerian Scam, and you'll come up with some. However, if anybody has any fun Nigerian scam stories, feel free to write me, or put em in the comment field below....

Ciao

ned

Monday, May 20, 2002

Return of Ossai

Ossai is still around...he just won't go away...here are some more entries from our budding young business relationship. When we last left Ossai, he'd just recieved my letter to "Marguritte", and didn't know what to make of it. I wrote him a snappy letter back, claiming I didn't know what the hell he was talking about...here's his reply.

Dear Mr.Niederlander,

Thanks for your mail.You did not send me a mail regarding what format
you are to send your company letterheaded paper.

Iam sending you the mail you sent me because it does not relate to our
transaction that is why i told you that i do not understand what you
are talking about.Probably you wanted to send the mail to somebody else.

My regards,

Dr.Williams.

--
williams ossai
wossai@onebox.com - email
(866) 206-9068 x8388 - voicemail/fax

--Of course he sent along the letter to Marguritte (check the entries below).
I also recieved this angry email in reply.

Dear Mr.Niederlander,

I do not like the tone of your mail.I understand we are partners not
pals or buddy.I am no longer a young man,I am 57 years old and i am happily
married with goods kids.My intention of going into this transaction with
you does not give you the go ahead to be sarcastic to me,i will advise
you now and in future not to sound to people like that especially those
you have not seen.

You can send the required letterheaded paper if you wish to continue
this transaction on microsoft word format so that we can commence and
i would want you to give me your tel number where ever you are so that
i can give you a call in order for us to discuss extensively on this
pending business transaction.

I await your urgent response.

Regards,

Dr.Williams

--

The same day, I wrote him back, apologizing.

Dear Ossai,

I'm sorry. You're right. That was the wrong message. I sincerely
apologize for my harsh tone. It's been a stressful couple of days,
personally. As you may have noticed from that email, I've had some real
questions about my life in the past week and a half. I thought I'd found
the woman I loved ten years ago, and then--in this one random moment in the
Philippines, I find this new woman who makes my head spin, and I don't know
if it's love or something else. I mean, you're married, right? Have you
ever questioned that? Have you ever been kept up at night wondering if
you've made the right choice?
I know I shouldn't be asking you these things, but my life is somewhat
crazy right now, and I'm looking for advice wherever I can get it. Perhaps
your anonymity to me makes you a more appealing confidant at this point.
Anyway, what do you do when you meet someone wonderful? Has this happened
to you?

Sincerely

--Ossai was responsive, but not particularly helpful with my Marguritte problems....

Dear Mr. Niederlander,

I have been out of station for sometime for an official inspection.I
understand how you feel,but notwithstanding we are men and we should
not allow our emotional feelings to take control of our lives instead
we have to be in total control.

I am back presently,to devote full time to our pending business transaction.I
want you to provide me with your tel number so that i can give you a
call to discuss this transaction in details and advise you on your personal
life because i know i am older and more advance in things pertaining
life.

I await your urgent response.

My regards,

Dr. Williams.



--He was right, and I told him so when I wrote him back...
Dr. Williams,

I'm glad you're back. I really do feel bad about being snappy the past
couple of weeks. You're right, I should get my emotions under control and
just get down to business, I know. It's just hard, when you think you've
got your proverbial ducks in a pond, and then all of a goose lands in that
pond and you really like the goose more than the ducks, and so the mother
duck packs up her shit and leaves you, and takes the baby ducks with her,
and they fly away--and then have the gall to ask for money for duck food.
You know?
My therapist says I'm taking this too hard, that it's a natural
progression, and I told her what you said about getting the emotions under
control, and she's not sure it's the best thing for me now, but I think
you're right. I mean, she's got a degree, but you've got life experience,
with the little ones and the mother, and I think that makes you smarter than
a woman who spent her four years at Sarah Lawrence munching box, and now
wants to tell me how to live.
Anyway, I won't bore you with this anymore. Consider me in like Flynn,
ready to grab the bull by the horns on this project, and let the chips fall
where they may. I can't wait for this $21 million. It's gonna make my life
so much simpler. And, since the divorce papers go through next week, I'll
get to keep all of it. Perhaps I can afford to fly you and the kids up to
Middletown for drinks when this is all over.
I've got the letterhead transcribed and ready to roll. Just give me the
word, chief.

Sincerely,

Ned Niederlander
CEO/President
Middletown America Accounts Associated

--I thought he would be dettered...He was not...

Dear Mr.Niederlander,

Thanks for your mail.I am very happy that you have overcome the situation you were previously facing.

I want you to send the transcribed text specimen to my fax number which is 234 1 7597267 or you can send it to my America web based fax number 202 521 3724.

Do call me on my tel number 234 1 7761725 as soon as you transmitt the faxes to me so that we can discuss more on this transaction.

I await your urgent response.

Best regards,

Dr.Williams.

--He really wants me to call him!! But I just keep on writing. And now was the perfect chance to get some of that $21 million he's offering me....

Dr. Ossai,

Great. I'll send that stuff as soon as possible. Listen, in the meantime, do you think you could hook me up with a small advance payment? I've got a couple of problems here I need to get ironed out. If you could wire me $200,000 or so that should cover it nicely. We can take it out of my $21 million after we get done with this transaction, okay?

Thanks,

Ned Niederlander
CEO/President
Middleton American Accounting Association

--Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way...

Dear Mr.Niederlander


Thanks for your earnest response.I want you to know that this funds we are about transfering into your account is presently in a suspense account with the Federal Ministry of Finance Nigeria and we intend to get it transfered to your account like every other legitimate contract payment is been transfered.So in otherwords,we do not have the funds in our disposal hence we cannot at this moment send you what you are pleading for.

I want you to know that as the moment we have placed aside funds which we intend to use for the carrying out of this transaction through from our personal accounts and through the sales of our valuable asset because we believe that success is inevitable if we both cooperate and carry out this transaction honestly.

Like you know we are senior government officials but grossly underpaid.

Do send the aforementioned transcribed text to my fax numbers and call me on my tel number 234 1 7761725 or you can provide me with your tel number so that i can give you a call.

My regards,

Dr. Williams.

--Poor Ossai...grossly underpaid. I feel for him. But I wasn't about to give up on seeing some cold hard cash...


Dr. Ossai,

Great. I'm ready to get started. Send my your bank info, and I'll prepare the transfer.


Sincerely,

Ned Niederlander
President/CEO
Middleton American Accounts Associated


---Once again, Ossai had to reply in his typical long-winded way....

Dear Mr. Niederlander,

Thanks for your mail.It is like you do not understand the intricacies of this transaction.You are meant to send me your banking particulars in the provided column of the text specimen i sent you earlier.For comprehensive understanding,i advise you call me on my tel number 234 1 7761725 or provide me with your tel number so that i can give you a call.

I await your urgent response as time is of essence in this pending transaction.

Best regards,

Dr. Williams.

---Alright...Ossai's not helping...he just keeps talking and talking...must set him straight...

Dammit, Ossai, I need your head in the game here!

Of course I understand this transaction. You've explained it to me like fifteen times.

I'm not looking for a--what--a teacher? Here? I do not need teachers. I need partners.

I'm sorry to get hostile, but as you say, time is growing short. This is a big opportunity for me. This is going to get me out of Middleton with enough money to spare to get my daughter braces, and my son his first little league glove--and make sure that bitch gets her goddamn alimony.

Alright?

Now give me your bank information, and let's get started.

NOW.

Sincerely,

Ned Niederlander
President/CEO
Middletowne American Account Acclimation

He hasn't written back yet....so I may have pissed him off. So it looks ilke no 21 million dollars for me!

Damn.

Ciao

Ned

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

Oh Vile Mysterious Odor!!

My car has a foul and mysterious odor. Or rather, it was foul and mysterious, until I figured out what it was, now it's just foul. It started two days ago, after a particularly long and hot Rain Dogs practice. After having four sweaty guys in the car, I noticed that a certain fetid odor of feet was permeating the vehicle. I wasn't too concerned at this point, figuring it was just the guys, and it would soon dissapate into the usual smoky smell I work so hard to maintain. However, it didn't. It got worse. I would have searched the car more throughly, earlier, and perhaps gotten to the source of the smell, except for the fact that it smelled exactly like one Mr. Jeremy Auman's feet. This led me to believe that perhaps he'd changed his shoes or socks or something before practice, leaving behind said smell in his wake, which is altogether possible, as that smell has been known to linger for days, even weeks. So I left the windows open two nights ago, and hoped it would go away.
The smell grew worse.
Perhaps Auman had left a sock in the car. I didn't know, all I knew is that the smell was starting to fog my mind, and cloud my senses, and IT HAD TO BE ELIMINATED. So I began a thourough search of the back seat. And I found it.
A bowl of cheese soup. Left by the lighting girl in our show. On the floor of the car. Smelling like death.
I quickly reached for the bowl, to get it out of the car, and the stench became overwhelming. I'd like to say I nobly and quickly removed it, but it was more like a twisted game of hot potato, running the back between hands while trying to use the other hand to shield my nose from the stench. Drops of nasty coagulated cheese water leaked from the bag as I threw it out the door and onto the street, all the while making a pathetic little noise somewhere between a whimper, and an "Oooooh". . I quickly threw out with it anything that could have touched it.
The smell still lingers.
Tonight, I shampoo carpets.
Beware the cheese soup.

Ciao.

Wednesday, March 27, 2002

Giving up on Two Million Dollars

..wasn't easy, but Dr. Williams has yet to write me back. I think this one is dead. But never fear, for I have more in store for you. Going back to the "Niederlander" letters, I checked my usual sleezy Hollywood producers looking for writers site, and found this--

3/12/02
Buyer Name: Gianni Nunnari
Company: Hollywood Gang Productions
Credits: From Dusk Till Dawn, Seven
Is there money upfront? Possibly
Contact Info: e-mail
Contact Person: Scott Coleman
Years In Business: 25
Email: hollywoodgang@hotmail.com
Writer Wanted:
Screenplay Wanted: Producer with proven track record looking for high-concept scripts or original voices. Please e-mail one page synopsis for consideration. All budgets and genres will be considered. Thanks

Now why would someone whose credits included From Dusk Till Dawn, and Seven, and has 25 years experience need a hotmail account? This looked like a job for Niederlander. Niederlander was happy to accept, with the following query letter.

Good evening,


Hello Mr. Nunnari. I am Ned Niederlander. I am an writer, and I would like to write your movie. I have many concepts! Some of them are little, some are big! All would make great movie!
So you want to know about me! I am Ned Niederlander, and I have been in the moive business for almost twenty-some odd years. I have written over three hundred scritps, and had thirty produced by my producers in my country. I have worked with thousands of actors, and have loved many. Some I do not like, and that is okay, because my producers make sure they go away. All have learned the lines that I have written, and delivered them for camera. Then I take the film to edit, and finally, the Minister of Production approves, and I have a movie! Several of my smash titles are: FUN WITH MARY, DISARMING LAND MINES: A TECHNICAL GUIDE, CROATS MUST DIE, and my personal favorite GUNFIRE BATTLE DEATH.
For you to truly understand my work, you must know that it comes from my country. My country is not stable, and there is much revolution and insurrection. Many people die. Sometimes my actors. Once it was my Continuity Consultant! It is no fun to film a scene and your location blows up!
So I move to America, and I am ready to make movies. I will write what you tell me. I am used to that. What Movie Are We Making??!!?? Let me know!

Sincerely,

Ned Niederlander
Writer


Will they bite? This could be the big break. We shall see.

Ciao


Wednesday, March 13, 2002

Oops I did it again.

So Dr. Ossai is really interested in making me this Nigerian money (see below). He just won't stop replying to me. I decide, since he's so kindly provided me with an address to email him, that I'll accidently send him something a little off topic. Something like this....

Dear Marguritte,

I can't believe the wonderful time we had last weekend in the Philippines. Who would have thought I would have to travel to the Philippines to meet a beautiful French girl from Debuke, Iowa! It amazes even me, LOL.
I'm willing to go the extra distance to make this relationship work. Although we only had two days of sweet lovemaking to consecrate it, I feel that there was a very real, very visceral connection between us. I think--no, no--I know, that we had love. There, I said it. There was love between us. Love in your eyes when you looked at me while we kissed passionately on the rocky shores of Guadalucanal. Love when I stroked your hair, watched your skin bead with sweat and water, and called you my "pretty thing". This could work!
I refuse to believe it might be a one night stand. Please, let me know what you think. I eagerly await your answer.

Your love in Middletown,

Ned Niederlander.

His response was something close to what I expected, and (though I couldn't believe he was still buying it) went like this.


Dear Ned,

I do not understand why you sent me such a mail.

Regards,

Dr.Williams.

I could not believe his insolence, I had clearly (hee hee) sent my company letterhead in that mail. Angered as I was, the next day, I shot off this terse reply.

Dr. Williams,

First of all, it's Mr. Niederlander, and not "Ned". Although I appreciate
your attempts at camradiere, as far as I'm concerned, until we move farther
into this deal, I'm not your pal, I'm not your buddy. We're partners. And
I would prefer you be Dr. Williams, and I be Mr. Niederlander.
Secondly, I don't understand why you don't understand what I sent you.
It was a simple request for more information about what format you wanted
the letterhead in, and my bank information so that you could begin the
process. Is that so difficult to understand? Perhaps you and your people
in Nigeria need a lesson in good, honest American corporate business
practices.
I'm sorry to sound condescending, or angry, but I do need some assurance
that things are getting done on your end. And I haven't had my soup yet
today.
What, exactly, do you need from me right now?

Ned niederlander

I think I probably lost him with this, but we'll have to wait and see.

Stringing it out for ya,

Ciao

Ned Niederlander



Thursday, March 07, 2002

Replies, Replies, Replies

When we last left our hero, me, I was trying desperately to to contact Dr. Williams Ossai, holder of a large amount of free floating money in Nigeria (see below). He had initailly sent me an unsolicited email informing me that there was money in Nigeria just waiting for me, all I had to do was send him my letterhead and bank account information. However, I had remained unable to reach him. Until this came along--
DEAR WILL,


THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMAIL.I HAVE RESPONDED TO YOUR PREVIOUS MAIL,MAYBE YOUR MAIL BOX IS FILLED,SO I ADVISE YOU DELETE SOME OF YOUR MESSAGES AND YOUR TRASH FOLDER OR YOU PROVIDE ME WITH ANOTHER EMAIL ADDRESS SO THAT WE WILL NOT ENCOUNTER SUCH PROBLEMS WHILE CARRYING OUT THIS TRANSACTION.

LET ME START BY EXPLAINING IN DETAIL THE TRANSACTION,AND HOW YOU CAN BE OF ASSISTANCE. WE INTEND TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY THE
SAME WAY ALL LEGITIMATE CONTRACT PAYMENTS ARE PAID BY THE GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA.

FIRST WE WOULD REGISTER YOUR COMPANY, INCORPORATE IT,AND PAY TAXES ON IT HERE IN NIGERIA, AND ALL THIS WILL BE BACKDATED TO A TIME WHEN THE SUPPOSED CONTRACT IS
TO HAVE BEEN AWARDED AND WAS EXECUTED BY THE SAID COMPANY. WE WILL NOW USE THE COMPANY'S LETTERHEAD WHICH YOU WILL SIGN TO APPLY TO THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE FOR PAYMENT OF THE CONTRACT SUM TO AN ACCOUNT YOU WILL PROVIDE, AND MIND YOU THIS WILL HAVE DOCUMENTATIONS IN DIFFERENT AGENCIES OF GOVERNMENT INVOLVED IN THE PAYMENT AND EVERYTHING WILL POINT TO THE FACT THAT THIS COMPANY EXECUTED A CONTRACT THAT IT IS NOW APPLYING TO BE PAID FOR.

I ASSURE YOU THAT BY THE TIME WE CONCLUDE THE
DOCUMENTATIONS AND APPLICATION FOR PAYMENT, EVEN YOU WILL THINK THAT YOU ACTUALLY DID A CONTRACT HERE IN NIGERIA.

I WILL REQUIRE YOU TO SEND ME THE REQUIRED LETTERHEAD SIGN BY YOU AND ALSO THE ACCOUNT WHERE THE PAYMENT SHOULD BE MADE, AND AS SOON AS THAT IS DONE WE WILL PROCEED WITH THE DOCUMENTATION, AND THEN APPLY FOR PAYMENT TO THE PROVIDED ACCOUNT.YOU WOULD BE ENTITLED
TO %20 OF THE TOTAL SUM FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE.

I WILL BE WAITING FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.

MY REGARDS,

DR.WILLIAMS


NB.
FIND ATTACHED THE TEXT THAT YOU SHOULD TRANSCRIBE AND SEND BACK TO ME BY FAX ON MY WEB BASED FAX NUMBER{1 866 206 9068 ext 8388}OR MY OTHER WEB BASED FAX NUMBER 1 202 521 3724.CALL ME ON 234 1 7756924 FOR FURTHER CLARIFICATION.HENCEFORTH,I WANT YOU TO CONTACT ME USING THIS EMAIL ADDRESS(wossai@onebox.com}.DO SEND BACK THE
TRANSCRIBED TEXT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO THAT WE CAN BEGIN THE PROCESS OF DOCUMENTATION AND MAKE SURE YOU CALL ME AFTER SENDING IT SO THAT WE CAN DISCUSS SOME MORE ON THIS MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL TRANSACTION.






TRANSCRIBE THIS PORTION ON YOUR
LETTERHEADED PAPER


THE GROUP MANAGING DIRECTOR,
DATE:..........

NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
FALOMO OFFICE COMPLEX
P.M.B. 12701 IKOYI, LAGOS

ATTENTION: ENGR. EUGENE T. IDOWU.

RE: CONTRACT NO: NNPC/PED/9753/95/KADREF

SUPPLY, COMMISSIONING OF 250,000 MONAX TURBINE
POLYPROPYLENE PLANTS AND 150,000 BPSD FOR KADUNA REFINERY, PIPELINE RECONSTRUCTION AND COMPUTER OPTIMIZATION FOR PLANTS "A" TO "D" AT KADUNA REFINERY.


WITH REFERENCE TO YOUR LETTER NNPCPED VOL. 03225 DATED 19TH march, 1995 AND ARTICLE 35 WE TAKE THE LIBERTY TO SUBMIT TO YOU THE ATTACHED INVOICE NO. 940253 FOR THE AMOUNT OF US$21.320.00M (TWENTY-ONE MILLION,THREE HUNDRED TWENTY THOUAND U.S. DOLLARS ONLY)BEING THE FINAL PAYMENT DUE TO US ON COMPLETION OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED CONTRACT.

IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE AFOREMENTIONED ARTICLES OF AGREEMENT AND ALL OTHER RELEVANT AMENDMENTS THERETO,WE WISH TO STATE THAT IN ARRIVING AT THIS CLAIM, WE HAVE TAKEN COGNISANCE OF THE MOBILISATION FEES ALREADY RECEIVED FROM YOU.

KINDLY REMIT THE ABOVE STATED AMOUNT IN FULL TO OUR UNDERMENTIONED BANK ACCOUNT:

BANK NAME:.......................
BANK ADDRESS:....................
BANK FAX/TEL NO:.................
ACCOUNT NO:......................
BANK TELEX NO.:..................


YOURS FAITHFULLY



TRANSCRIBE THIS PORTION ON YOUR INVOICE


NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
FALOMO OFFICE COMPLEX
P. M. B. 12701

QUANTITY DESCRIPTION AMOUNT

ITEM 1 SUPPLY, COMMISSIONING OF 250,000 MONAX TURBINE POLYPROPYLENE PLANTS AND 150,000 BPSD FOR KADUNA REFINERY US$11,100,000.00

ITEM 2 PIPELINE RECONSTRUCTION AND COMPUTER
OPTIMIZATION FOR PLANTS "A" TO "D" AT KADUNA REFINERY US$10,220,000.00


CERTIFIED OFFICIAL INVOICE

THIS BILL WAS QUOTED AND IS PAYABLE IN U.S DOLLARS ONLY.

CONTRACT SITE: NIGERIA
CONTRACT TYPE: INDUSTRIAL
A/C DEPT. CODE: B - 600 - 23
CORPORATE CODE: COG - 4211

SUB TOTAL: US$21,320,000.00

GRAND TOTAL US$21,320,000.00

THE INVOICE SHOULD BE STAMPED AND SIGNED

Pretty standard, I suppose...though I have no idea what it means....formulating a response even as we speak.


Let you know as things progress.