Friday, November 02, 2001

Revenge of Lopez

So I sent a query letter (scroll down the page to the letters in ALL CAPS for more info) to "Writer's Tale", a group looking for a writer who will write for the love of writing. They gave me a nice response.
Here it is....

Dear Herr Niederlander,

As long as you're not a writer who really wants to direct, produce, act, edit, star, etc., in films is all I'm worried about. Nevertheless, thanks for your message but we're going in another direction.

Warmest Saludos,

A. Lopez

P.S. By the way: Truley is spelled Truly.

Should I write them back? I'm tempted, but I'll wait till the polls are the meanwhile, I'm off to troll for more fun Hollywood Producers Looking for Writers.


Thursday, November 01, 2001

If you liked that one, you'll love this

It goes back a couple of months...some writer thought I was the producer, and wrote me...had some fun with him, fore he wised from the end of the entry back me.

That's cool Ned. I looked you up in the database and didn't see your name nor the credits you listed in this email. Is there another name you are credited under in these projects? Just wondering. Thanks.

From: "Ned Niederlander" To: Subject: Re: (none) Date: Fri, 08 Jun 2001 10:07:17 -0500

Hey Carl,

Oh, man, it's been crazy around here. I got people callin' me out one ear and in the other. Screaming about rent, scripts, actor's strikes, everything. I'm considering getting a place in Racida, just to get away from this mess. You been to Racida? Beautiful place, it's fucking God's country up in there. I been thinkin, and you're right, I should tell you a little bit about my company--Ned Niderlander Int. CC, Ltd. M&M. We been in business for about ten now, and we've a lotta near hits, and a couple of near misses. Our biggest project was THE HAUNTING, you know, with Gillian Anderson? Gawd, that coulda been a hit, if I just coulda convinced her to show some tit, you know? That's what those crazy X-files junkie freek spotty kids want to see. None of this marriage gonna awry, they just wanna see some boobies. But you try talking to that bitch, see how far you get. We ended our proffessional relationship shortly thereafter. So she can't be in your movie. We've also done several reality segments for FOX, and recently we co-produced and helped cast FOX'S BOOT CAMP. Terrific experience. You know the lesbian on there? We got her. Anyway, we're lookin' to break big, now. Big. And I like your idea for this URBAN LEGENDS. Tell me more about it.

Balls in your court, babe,

Ned Niederlander Chief Producing Officer Ned Niederlander Inc. CC. Ltd. M&M

From: "Carl Washington" To: Subject: Re: (none) Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 21:02:29

Look Babe, tell me what projects you've worked on. I got something like the next I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER but with an urban edge to it. C.

From: "Ned Niederlander" To: Subject: Re: (none) Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 15:57:09 -0500


Look, babe, enough with the interregation. I mean, shit, I'm the one who's buyin and you're the one who's sellin', you know what I mean? Eh, I'm sorry, I just got off the phone with my bitch ex-wife, she's takin' me up to the bank and back, wants half of this, half of that, she's askin' for half the dog, can you believe that? We're going down to the vet next week! Anyway, are you good? Cause I fuckin' hate people who aren't good. I mean, I need something new; something edgy; but not too over the top, if you know what I mean. Traditional, but bold. Something like "Sixth Sense," or Angel Heart, but without the bullshit fucking paranormal nonsense. And no surprises at the end, hear me. Nothing worse than that goddamn "look at me I'm the smart writer" crap. You got something like that? I work with Big Names. I gotta give em pitch me kid, then we'll talk money order nonsense.

Ned Niederlander Chief Producing Executive Officer Ned Niederlander Int. CC. Ltd. M&M Productions

From: "Carl Washington" To: Subject: Re: (none) Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 20:33:50

Hey Ned, looking for scripts? Actors? If scripts, what kind of scripts? What projects have you done? If Actors, what's your next project? And since you mentioned a check, I'm open to cash or money orders instead. Thanks. C.

From: "Ned Niederlander" To: Subject: Re: (none) Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 15:04:23 -0500

Carl Washington,

Thank you for your interest in my company, Ned Niderlander Co. Ltd., Int., CC. M&M Productions. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you, I've had my Latvian Secretary doing my corospondence for the past couple of weeks, and recently it came to my attention that rather than reading the mail, she was printing it out and using it to roll her shitty joints with. Needless to say, I canned the bitch, and we're back to business as usual now. Sorry I haven't caught either of your movies, babe, but I don't get to Blockbuster too often, I owe some huge fine or some shit, but do you think you could e-mail me a copy? You know, or fax it or something? I love looking at new talent, and you sound like my kind of man. What francise is your agent with? Subway? McDonald's? I need to know more specifics. Now that this damn strike is over, I'm looking for all the material I can get. My usual writer's been on a fuckin' week and a half long bender, and I'm afraid that bastard's gonna pull a Hemingway on me. Workin' for me's great, though. Listen, I dont' pay much, but the checks don't usually bounce. Anyway, looking forward to hearing from you.


N.N. Head Chief Executive Producer, Ned Niderlander Co. Ltd., Intl. CC, M&M.

From: "Carl Washington" To: Subject: (none) Date: Wed, 09 May 2001 03:02:41


My name is Carl Washington. I'm a produced Actor and Screenwriter. I wrote and co-starred in a movie called KILLJOY which is out in blockbuster and hollywood video stores. I also co-wrote another movie called THE VAULT which is also in blockbuster and hollywood video stores. I have one comedy script optioned. I'm interested in working with a filmmaker/company like yourself. I'm also repped by a franchised agent if that helps. If interested, let me know. Thanks.


From the Ever Dodgy Producers Seeking Scritpwriters Page

October 30, 2001
Buyer Name: Arturo Lopez
Company: Writer's Tale
Credits: Start Up
Is there money upfront? Some
Contact Info:
Contact Person: Arturo Lopez
Years In Business: Start Up

My response

Dear Senor Lopez,

Holla! I am Ned Niederlander, and I am very interested in being the writer of which you speak. I am truley a writer who only loves to write. I am not a writer who loves to paint, or a writer who loves to draw, no--no--I live for the writing. I have been writing for many years. My wife says ten. She knows, as she has read everything I have written. Sometimes she leaves marks in the side in a red pen, and then I look at what she says, and change my words. We are symbiotical. That is a word I truley love to write.
I am sorry, I have rambled. But I am excited to write for you. When will we get started on this project. You must let me know soon as my third child is soon to leave for military school. I am running out of time! My wife says you should let me know immediately. Your response is truley pending.


Ned Niederlander
Loving writer
Father of four

we shall see what response we'll hear it here first...

Work--A Love Poem
for Erik Ring

Oh Work--
You are so fine.
That's why I think of you all the time.
And I thought I'd write a little rhyme.
To let you know how much I love you.

Oh constant Work--
I go to you all day,
Even though you're forty five minutes out of my way
And there's a lot I could be doing, but hey
I just love to come and be at you.

Oh Clastrophobic Work--
With your cubicles so small,
What I'd give for a real wall,
Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall,
No break will keep me from you.

Oh, Frugal, Frugal Work--
Though you don't pay me much
Just enough to eat and such
(and that's not counting Lunch)
But I'll work through it just to see you.

Oh Treacherous Work--
With your employees and their comments snide,
Their degrees in being assholes are bona fide,
You really take me for a ride,
Yet I'm always going to you.

Oh Sweet, Sweet Work--
When I'm done with you for the night
It really gives me such a fright,
For the parking lot is dark, and you are bright,
I hope I don't get mugged leaving you.

So, Gentle Work--
My friend who's always there,
Whether or not I really care,
I just can't seem to wash you out of my hair,
And I'll always come back to you.

The End.
Wednesday, Happy Wednesday

Today, everyone's gone to the board it's just wee me and the secretary for most of the day. I've pulled out my trusty Barbados ashtray (a gift from Chad and Becca, nonetheless), and have proceeded to chain smoke in my office, and (amazingly enough) actually WORKED for the better part of an hour. Funny what no supervision will do to a man.

Had a very boring Halloween last night, but somewhat productive. The day was pretty much shit (and I don't want to go into that), but took a wee nap in the afternoon, got up and started a new play (ten pages, a good start) watched the FUCKING Yankees win the fourth World Series game, and went out for a parade de' Westport with crazy Victor, who told me that we live in a society of vengance, and he likes to fuck "dark" girls.

I don't know whether I picked this up from my grandfather, who was a psychologist at Menninger's, or whether it's a writer thing, but the ability to keep a striaght face, nod sagely, and absorb information for future use in a character study came in real handy last night.

Though the Jane's Addiction line from "Nothing's Shocking"--everybody's so full of shit--did keep popping into my head.

Nobody trick or treats on my scary street, so no cool costumes to report, though we did see a couple of fruity clowns, and a bunch of people dressed up like Frat Boys in Westport.

Gotta get back to's so damn hard.


Tuesday, October 30, 2001


Met the new (and now very temporary) roomate last night, the "evil mad genius" Victor. He actually seems like a pretty nice guy--apart from the fact that he is EVIL and MAD. I heard more stoner philosophy sitting on my couch last night then I did during my entire college career. Apparently, the CIA actually IS the Taliban, the worst terrorist attack ever would involve cocaine cut with antrax, and it's okay that our cable is shut off now because, "cable pollutes the mind".
Anyone who tells me anything about polluting the mind while lighting up their third joint in ONE HOUR, and chasing a hard pull with a swig of COLT 45 is--in my humble opinion--FULL OF SHIT

So that's a nutshell in Victor.

Strike that, reverse it.

In other news, for those of you who want to get ahold of me tonight, I will be debuing at the Casa De Auman, with my brand new copy of CIVILIZATION 3--staring at the computer screen, eating chicken wings, drinking PBR, and "oohing" and "ahhing" in computer game-y glory. It's a sad and pathetic life, I realize, but it's mine.

And in therapy, I'm learning to love me.


Monday, October 29, 2001

Monday--A New Beginning--

Another Monday come. The weekend went well, I suppose, though busier than I really wanted it to be. My show went up sans hitches Friday night. I was really pleased with it in the end. I thought the ten minute plays went well, and Kitten on the Case looked good--at least as good as I could get it to look. Luckily Jerry Mitchell playing a monster is a funny proposition, and it was definetly his work that sold the show. However, I was just relieved that everyone remembered their lines and most of their blocking. The dress rehearsal on Thursday sucked (I know, don't they all, but this one was PARTICULARLY bad), and I spent from 1:30 to 2:00 on Thursday night with a glass of Scotch contemplating fleeing the country and becoming a missionary in Beruit or somewhere, where nobody would ever have to know that I had anything to do with this little play in Lawrence, Kansas. It's hard maintaining control of a ship, and watching it come dangerously close to colliding with a rocky coast. I think I have a vague idea of how the Captain of the Titanic may have felt.
Saturday night the three one acts died a slow painful death. The audience was unresponsive, and you could feel the actors push harder and harder to get laughs, making the situation worse. It probably didn't help that the ex (whom the first ten minute play in the show is partially based on) was in the house...suddenly, every phrase that was even vaguly reminicent of that relationship seemed about a thousand times louder, and I spent the rest of the night reminding myself that if you are, in fact, going to do a relationship drama as therapy ten minute play, you should probably produce it at least 1 (one) area code away from the person it's about...ah well...what's she gonna do? Continue to refuse to talk to me? Still, it did make an otherwise happy occasion a little more depressing.
Sunday night was blusey, I didn't really know what to do. I have this problem with Sunday's...always have. Sunday nights make me feel like there's something more out there, something I'm not getting, something I'm not doing, someone I should know but I don't. Sunday nights I contemplate. Sunday nights I think too much. Sunday nights I question. Sunday nights I evaluate. Sunday nights I make resolutions to write more, and then go get chicken wings. Something odd about Sunday nights.

On a slightly happier note, I checked Site Meter today, and I got my first referral from Google. Yes, they were in fact looking for "office bitches". Heh.

Time for more coffee, kids.