Wednesday, November 21, 2001


I've been thinking a lot about boobs the past couple of days. Actually, strike that--I've been thinking about them since I was seven or so, but really contemplating them over the past couple of days. The different sizes, the different shapes, the lengths most guys will go to to get a look at them. And it doesn't stop--the desire to see boobs. So many things in my life have changed, priorities, friends, goals, lovers--but underlying all of this has been this primal desire to look at a good pair of boobies. Does this make me shallow? Possibly, but I like to think the draw is at least part pshysiological, thus giving me a bit of an excuse. However, that's only part of it. The other part just thinks they're neat.

So here it is--in the tradition of High Fidelity. The top 5 stupidest things I've ever done to get a look at boobs.

1. When I was seven or eight, my parents ran a dinner theatre. I would go to the women's dressing room, claiming I was tired and needed a nap. I would then lie down on the floor behind the costumes, move some costumes aside slightly, and enjoy the visual buffet. Boob Quality: 5 (these were mostly older women here) Efficacy: 3 (easy to pull off, but capture would ruin the plan. Plus, you had to be real careful not to get caught by mom.)

2. Another childhood memory. The classic "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours". I was eight, it was behind a big old pile of trash my folks always built in the back yard and then burned. The girl was Monica Thomson. In a moment of pre-adolescent glory, I saw for the first time, the female anatomy (though it was, of course, Monica's, and not fully developed at the time; although apparently it later became developed enough to give her not one but two children throughout her high school career). Quality: 4--it was Monica; Efficacy:7--low risk of capture, as there is safety behind the woodpile.

3. High School. Bored one night at rehearsal, Erik Ring and I dared Kitty Steffens to flash us while we were all sitting in a circle, reading the play "Ah Wilderness". She obliged, even though she was sitting right next to the director. Everyone else's head was in their script, and the director was asleep, so it worked out nicely. Quality: 8.5--I mean, they're Kitty's boobs. Efficacy: 2--Extremely High Risk of Capture, and we knew we'd never get anywhere else with Kitty.

4. "Do you want to play a game of Star Wars" In high school, there was a girl named Tracy Alderson, who was irritating, and perpetually greasy. She did, however, have great breasts. She used to baby-sit for my sister on the weekends--and then, that fateful night, I got home early from a date with Kasi, my girlfriend at the time, and Tracy and I started talking. We ended up talking about childhood games (not quite sure how it came up), but I made up this game I "used to play" called "Star Wars". It basically involved getting under the covers and then pretending you were piloting a starship. I asked her if she wanted to play, she said yes, we absconded to the bouidoir. Much more than "Star Wars" was played, but since I was lacking a missle defense shield, it didn't go much farther than lookie and a bit of touchie. Quality: 6--High School Girls in your room half naked is pretty cool. Efficacy--.05 High School Girls in your room half naked playing "Star Wars" is fucking lame, man.

5. "Ode to Your Breasts"--In college, boobs were a lot easier to come by (particularly in the theatre), and I didn't worry so much about seeing them. But there was one point, with Mel Nowack, that I actually stooped to using the line "I'd really like to write some poetry about your naked body". The funniest thing about it was, it actually worked. Quality--9--because getting that line to work deserves a 9. Efficacy:2--the event was great, but there were terrible circumstances surrounding it. But that, my friends is another story for another time.

I'm off to wander the Internet now...wonder what I'll find.