Wednesday, May 22, 2002

Toadies and Toadability

I want a toadie. I really do. I was thinking about it today, while I was taking the slow-ass elevator down to the first floor to get a cup of coffee. "Why me?" I thought, "Why am I getting a cup of coffee for myself?"
"Self," I said, "You need a toadie." That's right. A Toadie. A Stoolie. A Pigeon. A Yes-man. A Sycophant. A Bitch. I need one. Someone to do my bidding. For those late night chicken-wing whims, I wouldn't have to go to all the trouble of driving downtown--I'd simply shout "Toadie! Wings!" And my Toadie would serve them up to me. And if I needed another beer--I'd simply send the Toadie out. Smokes? Toadies job. Calling in sick to work? Looks like a job for--the Toadie!
So, if you're agreeable, slightly violent, and incredibly loyal to me, I am now accepting applications. Please leave your resume in the comment field.



Tuesday, May 21, 2002

The Nigerians are Coming! The Nigerians are coming!

I've been getting a lot of traffic from people who are looking up ole Dr. Williams Ossai (or Ossai Williams, he tends to switch)...just to let you know, the reason I've been fucking with him is I figure if I can take up his time responding to me, the less time he has to defraud little old ladies. And it's fun. But please, if you were thinking about doing business with Dr. Ossai, know that you're probably not going to see any of the $21 million he's offering you--in fact, you'll wind up poorer for the deal. There are some good Nigerian scam sites out there, I'm too lazy to link to them now, but just Google Nigerian Scam, and you'll come up with some. However, if anybody has any fun Nigerian scam stories, feel free to write me, or put em in the comment field below....



Monday, May 20, 2002

Return of Ossai

Ossai is still around...he just won't go are some more entries from our budding young business relationship. When we last left Ossai, he'd just recieved my letter to "Marguritte", and didn't know what to make of it. I wrote him a snappy letter back, claiming I didn't know what the hell he was talking's his reply.

Dear Mr.Niederlander,

Thanks for your mail.You did not send me a mail regarding what format
you are to send your company letterheaded paper.

Iam sending you the mail you sent me because it does not relate to our
transaction that is why i told you that i do not understand what you
are talking about.Probably you wanted to send the mail to somebody else.

My regards,


williams ossai - email
(866) 206-9068 x8388 - voicemail/fax

--Of course he sent along the letter to Marguritte (check the entries below).
I also recieved this angry email in reply.

Dear Mr.Niederlander,

I do not like the tone of your mail.I understand we are partners not
pals or buddy.I am no longer a young man,I am 57 years old and i am happily
married with goods kids.My intention of going into this transaction with
you does not give you the go ahead to be sarcastic to me,i will advise
you now and in future not to sound to people like that especially those
you have not seen.

You can send the required letterheaded paper if you wish to continue
this transaction on microsoft word format so that we can commence and
i would want you to give me your tel number where ever you are so that
i can give you a call in order for us to discuss extensively on this
pending business transaction.

I await your urgent response.




The same day, I wrote him back, apologizing.

Dear Ossai,

I'm sorry. You're right. That was the wrong message. I sincerely
apologize for my harsh tone. It's been a stressful couple of days,
personally. As you may have noticed from that email, I've had some real
questions about my life in the past week and a half. I thought I'd found
the woman I loved ten years ago, and then--in this one random moment in the
Philippines, I find this new woman who makes my head spin, and I don't know
if it's love or something else. I mean, you're married, right? Have you
ever questioned that? Have you ever been kept up at night wondering if
you've made the right choice?
I know I shouldn't be asking you these things, but my life is somewhat
crazy right now, and I'm looking for advice wherever I can get it. Perhaps
your anonymity to me makes you a more appealing confidant at this point.
Anyway, what do you do when you meet someone wonderful? Has this happened
to you?


--Ossai was responsive, but not particularly helpful with my Marguritte problems....

Dear Mr. Niederlander,

I have been out of station for sometime for an official inspection.I
understand how you feel,but notwithstanding we are men and we should
not allow our emotional feelings to take control of our lives instead
we have to be in total control.

I am back presently,to devote full time to our pending business transaction.I
want you to provide me with your tel number so that i can give you a
call to discuss this transaction in details and advise you on your personal
life because i know i am older and more advance in things pertaining

I await your urgent response.

My regards,

Dr. Williams.

--He was right, and I told him so when I wrote him back...
Dr. Williams,

I'm glad you're back. I really do feel bad about being snappy the past
couple of weeks. You're right, I should get my emotions under control and
just get down to business, I know. It's just hard, when you think you've
got your proverbial ducks in a pond, and then all of a goose lands in that
pond and you really like the goose more than the ducks, and so the mother
duck packs up her shit and leaves you, and takes the baby ducks with her,
and they fly away--and then have the gall to ask for money for duck food.
You know?
My therapist says I'm taking this too hard, that it's a natural
progression, and I told her what you said about getting the emotions under
control, and she's not sure it's the best thing for me now, but I think
you're right. I mean, she's got a degree, but you've got life experience,
with the little ones and the mother, and I think that makes you smarter than
a woman who spent her four years at Sarah Lawrence munching box, and now
wants to tell me how to live.
Anyway, I won't bore you with this anymore. Consider me in like Flynn,
ready to grab the bull by the horns on this project, and let the chips fall
where they may. I can't wait for this $21 million. It's gonna make my life
so much simpler. And, since the divorce papers go through next week, I'll
get to keep all of it. Perhaps I can afford to fly you and the kids up to
Middletown for drinks when this is all over.
I've got the letterhead transcribed and ready to roll. Just give me the
word, chief.


Ned Niederlander
Middletown America Accounts Associated

--I thought he would be dettered...He was not...

Dear Mr.Niederlander,

Thanks for your mail.I am very happy that you have overcome the situation you were previously facing.

I want you to send the transcribed text specimen to my fax number which is 234 1 7597267 or you can send it to my America web based fax number 202 521 3724.

Do call me on my tel number 234 1 7761725 as soon as you transmitt the faxes to me so that we can discuss more on this transaction.

I await your urgent response.

Best regards,


--He really wants me to call him!! But I just keep on writing. And now was the perfect chance to get some of that $21 million he's offering me....

Dr. Ossai,

Great. I'll send that stuff as soon as possible. Listen, in the meantime, do you think you could hook me up with a small advance payment? I've got a couple of problems here I need to get ironed out. If you could wire me $200,000 or so that should cover it nicely. We can take it out of my $21 million after we get done with this transaction, okay?


Ned Niederlander
Middleton American Accounting Association

--Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way...

Dear Mr.Niederlander

Thanks for your earnest response.I want you to know that this funds we are about transfering into your account is presently in a suspense account with the Federal Ministry of Finance Nigeria and we intend to get it transfered to your account like every other legitimate contract payment is been transfered.So in otherwords,we do not have the funds in our disposal hence we cannot at this moment send you what you are pleading for.

I want you to know that as the moment we have placed aside funds which we intend to use for the carrying out of this transaction through from our personal accounts and through the sales of our valuable asset because we believe that success is inevitable if we both cooperate and carry out this transaction honestly.

Like you know we are senior government officials but grossly underpaid.

Do send the aforementioned transcribed text to my fax numbers and call me on my tel number 234 1 7761725 or you can provide me with your tel number so that i can give you a call.

My regards,

Dr. Williams.

--Poor Ossai...grossly underpaid. I feel for him. But I wasn't about to give up on seeing some cold hard cash...

Dr. Ossai,

Great. I'm ready to get started. Send my your bank info, and I'll prepare the transfer.


Ned Niederlander
Middleton American Accounts Associated

---Once again, Ossai had to reply in his typical long-winded way....

Dear Mr. Niederlander,

Thanks for your mail.It is like you do not understand the intricacies of this transaction.You are meant to send me your banking particulars in the provided column of the text specimen i sent you earlier.For comprehensive understanding,i advise you call me on my tel number 234 1 7761725 or provide me with your tel number so that i can give you a call.

I await your urgent response as time is of essence in this pending transaction.

Best regards,

Dr. Williams.

---Alright...Ossai's not helping...he just keeps talking and talking...must set him straight...

Dammit, Ossai, I need your head in the game here!

Of course I understand this transaction. You've explained it to me like fifteen times.

I'm not looking for a--what--a teacher? Here? I do not need teachers. I need partners.

I'm sorry to get hostile, but as you say, time is growing short. This is a big opportunity for me. This is going to get me out of Middleton with enough money to spare to get my daughter braces, and my son his first little league glove--and make sure that bitch gets her goddamn alimony.


Now give me your bank information, and let's get started.



Ned Niederlander
Middletowne American Account Acclimation

He hasn't written back I may have pissed him off. So it looks ilke no 21 million dollars for me!