Die Fishy! Die!

2002-05-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

Toadies and Toadability

I want a toadie. I really do. I was thinking about it today, while I was taking the slow-ass elevator down to the first floor to get a cup of coffee. "Why me?" I thought, "Why am I getting a cup of coffee for myself?"
"Self," I said, "You need a toadie." That's right. A Toadie. A Stoolie. A Pigeon. A Yes-man. A Sycophant. A Bitch. I need one. Someone to do my bidding. For those late night chicken-wing whims, I wouldn't have to go to all the trouble of driving downtown--I'd simply shout "Toadie! Wings!" And my Toadie would serve them up to me. And if I needed another beer--I'd simply send the Toadie out. Smokes? Toadies job. Calling in sick to work? Looks like a job for--the Toadie!
So, if you're agreeable, slightly violent, and incredibly loyal to me, I am now accepting applications. Please leave your resume in the comment field.

Ciao,

Ned

2002-05-22T06:39:00.000-07:00

blarg

2002-05-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

The Nigerians are Coming! The Nigerians are coming!

I've been getting a lot of traffic from people who are looking up ole Dr. Williams Ossai (or Ossai Williams, he tends to switch)...just to let you know, the reason I've been fucking with him is I figure if I can take up his time responding to me, the less time he has to defraud little old ladies. And it's fun. But please, if you were thinking about doing business with Dr. Ossai, know that you're probably not going to see any of the $21 million he's offering you--in fact, you'll wind up poorer for the deal. There are some good Nigerian scam sites out there, I'm too lazy to link to them now, but just Google Nigerian Scam, and you'll come up with some. However, if anybody has any fun Nigerian scam stories, feel free to write me, or put em in the comment field below....

Ciao

ned

2002-05-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

Return of Ossai

Ossai is still around...he just won't go away...here are some more entries from our budding young business relationship. When we last left Ossai, he'd just recieved my letter to "Marguritte", and didn't know what to make of it. I wrote him a snappy letter back, claiming I didn't know what the hell he was talking about...here's his reply.

Dear Mr.Niederlander,

Thanks for your mail.You did not send me a mail regarding what format
you are to send your company letterheaded paper.

Iam sending you the mail you sent me because it does not relate to our
transaction that is why i told you that i do not understand what you
are talking about.Probably you wanted to send the mail to somebody else.

My regards,

Dr.Williams.

--
williams ossai
wossai@onebox.com - email
(866) 206-9068 x8388 - voicemail/fax

--Of course he sent along the letter to Marguritte (check the entries below).
I also recieved this angry email in reply.

Dear Mr.Niederlander,

I do not like the tone of your mail.I understand we are partners not
pals or buddy.I am no longer a young man,I am 57 years old and i am happily
married with goods kids.My intention of going into this transaction with
you does not give you the go ahead to be sarcastic to me,i will advise
you now and in future not to sound to people like that especially those
you have not seen.

You can send the required letterheaded paper if you wish to continue
this transaction on microsoft word format so that we can commence and
i would want you to give me your tel number where ever you are so that
i can give you a call in order for us to discuss extensively on this
pending business transaction.

I await your urgent response.

Regards,

Dr.Williams

--

The same day, I wrote him back, apologizing.

Dear Ossai,

I'm sorry. You're right. That was the wrong message. I sincerely
apologize for my harsh tone. It's been a stressful couple of days,
personally. As you may have noticed from that email, I've had some real
questions about my life in the past week and a half. I thought I'd found
the woman I loved ten years ago, and then--in this one random moment in the
Philippines, I find this new woman who makes my head spin, and I don't know
if it's love or something else. I mean, you're married, right? Have you
ever questioned that? Have you ever been kept up at night wondering if
you've made the right choice?
I know I shouldn't be asking you these things, but my life is somewhat
crazy right now, and I'm looking for advice wherever I can get it. Perhaps
your anonymity to me makes you a more appealing confidant at this point.
Anyway, what do you do when you meet someone wonderful? Has this happened
to you?

Sincerely

--Ossai was responsive, but not particularly helpful with my Marguritte problems....

Dear Mr. Niederlander,

I have been out of station for sometime for an official inspection.I
understand how you feel,but notwithstanding we are men and we should
not allow our emotional feelings to take control of our lives instead
we have to be in total control.

I am back presently,to devote full time to our pending business transaction.I
want you to provide me with your tel number so that i can give you a
call to discuss this transaction in details and advise you on your personal
life because i know i am older and more advance in things pertaining
life.

I await your urgent response.

My regards,

Dr. Williams.

--He was right, and I told him so when I wrote him back...
Dr. Williams,

I'm glad you're back. I really do feel bad about being snappy the past
couple of weeks. You're right, I should get my emotions under control and
just get down to business, I know. It's just hard, when you think you've
got your proverbial ducks in a pond, and then all of a goose lands in that
pond and you really like the goose more than the ducks, and so the mother
duck packs up her shit and leaves you, and takes the baby ducks with her,
and they fly away--and then have the gall to ask for money for duck food.
You know?
My therapist says I'm taking this too hard, that it's a natural
progression, and I told her what you said about getting the emotions under
control, and she's not sure it's the best thing for me now, but I think
you're right. I mean, she's got a degree, but you've got life experience,
with the little ones and the mother, and I think that makes you smarter than
a woman who spent her four years at Sarah Lawrence munching box, and now
wants to tell me how to live.
Anyway, I won't bore you with this anymore. Consider me in like Flynn,
ready to grab the bull by the horns on this project, and let the chips fall
where they may. I can't wait for this $21 million. It's gonna make my life
so much simpler. And, since the divorce papers go through next week, I'll
get to keep all of it. Perhaps I can afford to fly you and the kids up to
Middletown for drinks when this is all over.
I've got the letterhead transcribed and ready to roll. Just give me the
word, chief.

Sincerely,

Ned Niederlander
CEO/President
Middletown America Accounts Associated

--I thought he would be dettered...He was not...

Dear Mr.Niederlander,

Thanks for your mail.I am very happy that you have overcome the situation you were previously facing.

I want you to send the transcribed text specimen to my fax number which is 234 1 7597267 or you can send it to my America web based fax number 202 521 3724.

Do call me on my tel number 234 1 7761725 as soon as you transmitt the faxes to me so that we can discuss more on this transaction.

I await your urgent response.

Best regards,

Dr.Williams.

--He really wants me to call him!! But I just keep on writing. And now was the perfect chance to get some of that $21 million he's offering me....

Dr. Ossai,

Great. I'll send that stuff as soon as possible. Listen, in the meantime, do you think you could hook me up with a small advance payment? I've got a couple of problems here I need to get ironed out. If you could wire me $200,000 or so that should cover it nicely. We can take it out of my $21 million after we get done with this transaction, okay?

Thanks,

Ned Niederlander
CEO/President
Middleton American Accounting Association

--Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way...

Dear Mr.Niederlander

Thanks for your earnest response.I want you to know that this funds we are about transfering into your account is presently in a suspense account with the Federal Ministry of Finance Nigeria and we intend to get it transfered to your account like every other legitimate contract payment is been transfered.So in otherwords,we do not have the funds in our disposal hence we cannot at this moment send you what you are pleading for.

I want you to know that as the moment we have placed aside funds which we intend to use for the carrying out of this transaction through from our personal accounts and through the sales of our valuable asset because we believe that success is inevitable if we both cooperate and carry out this transaction honestly.

Like you know we are senior government officials but grossly underpaid.

Do send the aforementioned transcribed text to my fax numbers and call me on my tel number 234 1 7761725 or you can provide me with your tel number so that i can give you a call.

My regards,

Dr. Williams.

--Poor Ossai...grossly underpaid. I feel for him. But I wasn't about to give up on seeing some cold hard cash...

Dr. Ossai,

Great. I'm ready to get started. Send my your bank info, and I'll prepare the transfer.

Sincerely,

Ned Niederlander
President/CEO
Middleton American Accounts Associated

---Once again, Ossai had to reply in his typical long-winded way....

Dear Mr. Niederlander,

Thanks for your mail.It is like you do not understand the intricacies of this transaction.You are meant to send me your banking particulars in the provided column of the text specimen i sent you earlier.For comprehensive understanding,i advise you call me on my tel number 234 1 7761725 or provide me with your tel number so that i can give you a call.

I await your urgent response as time is of essence in this pending transaction.

Best regards,

Dr. Williams.

---Alright...Ossai's not helping...he just keeps talking and talking...must set him straight...

Dammit, Ossai, I need your head in the game here!

Of course I understand this transaction. You've explained it to me like fifteen times.

I'm not looking for a--what--a teacher? Here? I do not need teachers. I need partners.

I'm sorry to get hostile, but as you say, time is growing short. This is a big opportunity for me. This is going to get me out of Middleton with enough money to spare to get my daughter braces, and my son his first little league glove--and make sure that bitch gets her goddamn alimony.

Alright?

Now give me your bank information, and let's get started.

NOW.

Sincerely,

Ned Niederlander
President/CEO
Middletowne American Account Acclimation

He hasn't written back yet....so I may have pissed him off. So it looks ilke no 21 million dollars for me!

Damn.

Ciao

Ned

2002-04-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

Oh Vile Mysterious Odor!!

My car has a foul and mysterious odor. Or rather, it was foul and mysterious, until I figured out what it was, now it's just foul. It started two days ago, after a particularly long and hot Rain Dogs practice. After having four sweaty guys in the car, I noticed that a certain fetid odor of feet was permeating the vehicle. I wasn't too concerned at this point, figuring it was just the guys, and it would soon dissapate into the usual smoky smell I work so hard to maintain. However, it didn't. It got worse. I would have searched the car more throughly, earlier, and perhaps gotten to the source of the smell, except for the fact that it smelled exactly like one Mr. Jeremy Auman's feet. This led me to believe that perhaps he'd changed his shoes or socks or something before practice, leaving behind said smell in his wake, which is altogether possible, as that smell has been known to linger for days, even weeks. So I left the windows open two nights ago, and hoped it would go away.
The smell grew worse.
Perhaps Auman had left a sock in the car. I didn't know, all I knew is that the smell was starting to fog my mind, and cloud my senses, and IT HAD TO BE ELIMINATED. So I began a thourough search of the back seat. And I found it.
A bowl of cheese soup. Left by the lighting girl in our show. On the floor of the car. Smelling like death.
I quickly reached for the bowl, to get it out of the car, and the stench became overwhelming. I'd like to say I nobly and quickly removed it, but it was more like a twisted game of hot potato, running the back between hands while trying to use the other hand to shield my nose from the stench. Drops of nasty coagulated cheese water leaked from the bag as I threw it out the door and onto the street, all the while making a pathetic little noise somewhere between a whimper, and an "Oooooh". . I quickly threw out with it anything that could have touched it.
The smell still lingers.
Tonight, I shampoo carpets.
Beware the cheese soup.

Ciao.

2002-03-27T09:43:00.000-08:00

Giving up on Two Million Dollars

..wasn't easy, but Dr. Williams has yet to write me back. I think this one is dead. But never fear, for I have more in store for you. Going back to the "Niederlander" letters, I checked my usual sleezy Hollywood producers looking for writers site, and found this--

3/12/02
Buyer Name: Gianni Nunnari
Company: Hollywood Gang Productions
Credits: From Dusk Till Dawn, Seven
Is there money upfront? Possibly
Contact Info: e-mail
Contact Person: Scott Coleman
Years In Business: 25
Email: hollywoodgang@hotmail.com
Writer Wanted:
Screenplay Wanted: Producer with proven track record looking for high-concept scripts or original voices. Please e-mail one page synopsis for consideration. All budgets and genres will be considered. Thanks

Now why would someone whose credits included From Dusk Till Dawn, and Seven, and has 25 years experience need a hotmail account? This looked like a job for Niederlander. Niederlander was happy to accept, with the following query letter.

Good evening,

Hello Mr. Nunnari. I am Ned Niederlander. I am an writer, and I would like to write your movie. I have many concepts! Some of them are little, some are big! All would make great movie!
So you want to know about me! I am Ned Niederlander, and I have been in the moive business for almost twenty-some odd years. I have written over three hundred scritps, and had thirty produced by my producers in my country. I have worked with thousands of actors, and have loved many. Some I do not like, and that is okay, because my producers make sure they go away. All have learned the lines that I have written, and delivered them for camera. Then I take the film to edit, and finally, the Minister of Production approves, and I have a movie! Several of my smash titles are: FUN WITH MARY, DISARMING LAND MINES: A TECHNICAL GUIDE, CROATS MUST DIE, and my personal favorite GUNFIRE BATTLE DEATH.
For you to truly understand my work, you must know that it comes from my country. My country is not stable, and there is much revolution and insurrection. Many people die. Sometimes my actors. Once it was my Continuity Consultant! It is no fun to film a scene and your location blows up!
So I move to America, and I am ready to make movies. I will write what you tell me. I am used to that. What Movie Are We Making??!!?? Let me know!

Sincerely,

Ned Niederlander
Writer

Will they bite? This could be the big break. We shall see.

Ciao

2002-03-13T10:54:00.000-08:00

Oops I did it again.

So Dr. Ossai is really interested in making me this Nigerian money (see below). He just won't stop replying to me. I decide, since he's so kindly provided me with an address to email him, that I'll accidently send him something a little off topic. Something like this....

Dear Marguritte,

I can't believe the wonderful time we had last weekend in the Philippines. Who would have thought I would have to travel to the Philippines to meet a beautiful French girl from Debuke, Iowa! It amazes even me, LOL.
I'm willing to go the extra distance to make this relationship work. Although we only had two days of sweet lovemaking to consecrate it, I feel that there was a very real, very visceral connection between us. I think--no, no--I know, that we had love. There, I said it. There was love between us. Love in your eyes when you looked at me while we kissed passionately on the rocky shores of Guadalucanal. Love when I stroked your hair, watched your skin bead with sweat and water, and called you my "pretty thing". This could work!
I refuse to believe it might be a one night stand. Please, let me know what you think. I eagerly await your answer.

Your love in Middletown,

Ned Niederlander.

His response was something close to what I expected, and (though I couldn't believe he was still buying it) went like this.

Dear Ned,

I do not understand why you sent me such a mail.

Regards,

Dr.Williams.

I could not believe his insolence, I had clearly (hee hee) sent my company letterhead in that mail. Angered as I was, the next day, I shot off this terse reply.

Dr. Williams,

First of all, it's Mr. Niederlander, and not "Ned". Although I appreciate
your attempts at camradiere, as far as I'm concerned, until we move farther
into this deal, I'm not your pal, I'm not your buddy. We're partners. And
I would prefer you be Dr. Williams, and I be Mr. Niederlander.
Secondly, I don't understand why you don't understand what I sent you.
It was a simple request for more information about what format you wanted
the letterhead in, and my bank information so that you could begin the
process. Is that so difficult to understand? Perhaps you and your people
in Nigeria need a lesson in good, honest American corporate business
practices.
I'm sorry to sound condescending, or angry, but I do need some assurance
that things are getting done on your end. And I haven't had my soup yet
today.
What, exactly, do you need from me right now?

Ned niederlander

I think I probably lost him with this, but we'll have to wait and see.

Stringing it out for ya,

Ciao

Ned Niederlander

2002-03-07T07:31:00.000-08:00

Replies, Replies, Replies

When we last left our hero, me, I was trying desperately to to contact Dr. Williams Ossai, holder of a large amount of free floating money in Nigeria (see below). He had initailly sent me an unsolicited email informing me that there was money in Nigeria just waiting for me, all I had to do was send him my letterhead and bank account information. However, I had remained unable to reach him. Until this came along--
DEAR WILL,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMAIL.I HAVE RESPONDED TO YOUR PREVIOUS MAIL,MAYBE YOUR MAIL BOX IS FILLED,SO I ADVISE YOU DELETE SOME OF YOUR MESSAGES AND YOUR TRASH FOLDER OR YOU PROVIDE ME WITH ANOTHER EMAIL ADDRESS SO THAT WE WILL NOT ENCOUNTER SUCH PROBLEMS WHILE CARRYING OUT THIS TRANSACTION.

LET ME START BY EXPLAINING IN DETAIL THE TRANSACTION,AND HOW YOU CAN BE OF ASSISTANCE. WE INTEND TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY THE
SAME WAY ALL LEGITIMATE CONTRACT PAYMENTS ARE PAID BY THE GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA.

FIRST WE WOULD REGISTER YOUR COMPANY, INCORPORATE IT,AND PAY TAXES ON IT HERE IN NIGERIA, AND ALL THIS WILL BE BACKDATED TO A TIME WHEN THE SUPPOSED CONTRACT IS
TO HAVE BEEN AWARDED AND WAS EXECUTED BY THE SAID COMPANY. WE WILL NOW USE THE COMPANY'S LETTERHEAD WHICH YOU WILL SIGN TO APPLY TO THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE FOR PAYMENT OF THE CONTRACT SUM TO AN ACCOUNT YOU WILL PROVIDE, AND MIND YOU THIS WILL HAVE DOCUMENTATIONS IN DIFFERENT AGENCIES OF GOVERNMENT INVOLVED IN THE PAYMENT AND EVERYTHING WILL POINT TO THE FACT THAT THIS COMPANY EXECUTED A CONTRACT THAT IT IS NOW APPLYING TO BE PAID FOR.

I ASSURE YOU THAT BY THE TIME WE CONCLUDE THE
DOCUMENTATIONS AND APPLICATION FOR PAYMENT, EVEN YOU WILL THINK THAT YOU ACTUALLY DID A CONTRACT HERE IN NIGERIA.

I WILL REQUIRE YOU TO SEND ME THE REQUIRED LETTERHEAD SIGN BY YOU AND ALSO THE ACCOUNT WHERE THE PAYMENT SHOULD BE MADE, AND AS SOON AS THAT IS DONE WE WILL PROCEED WITH THE DOCUMENTATION, AND THEN APPLY FOR PAYMENT TO THE PROVIDED ACCOUNT.YOU WOULD BE ENTITLED
TO %20 OF THE TOTAL SUM FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE.

I WILL BE WAITING FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.

MY REGARDS,

DR.WILLIAMS

NB.
FIND ATTACHED THE TEXT THAT YOU SHOULD TRANSCRIBE AND SEND BACK TO ME BY FAX ON MY WEB BASED FAX NUMBER{1 866 206 9068 ext 8388}OR MY OTHER WEB BASED FAX NUMBER 1 202 521 3724.CALL ME ON 234 1 7756924 FOR FURTHER CLARIFICATION.HENCEFORTH,I WANT YOU TO CONTACT ME USING THIS EMAIL ADDRESS(wossai@onebox.com}.DO SEND BACK THE
TRANSCRIBED TEXT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO THAT WE CAN BEGIN THE PROCESS OF DOCUMENTATION AND MAKE SURE YOU CALL ME AFTER SENDING IT SO THAT WE CAN DISCUSS SOME MORE ON THIS MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL TRANSACTION.

TRANSCRIBE THIS PORTION ON YOUR
LETTERHEADED PAPER

THE GROUP MANAGING DIRECTOR,
DATE:..........

NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
FALOMO OFFICE COMPLEX
P.M.B. 12701 IKOYI, LAGOS

ATTENTION: ENGR. EUGENE T. IDOWU.

RE: CONTRACT NO: NNPC/PED/9753/95/KADREF

SUPPLY, COMMISSIONING OF 250,000 MONAX TURBINE
POLYPROPYLENE PLANTS AND 150,000 BPSD FOR KADUNA REFINERY, PIPELINE RECONSTRUCTION AND COMPUTER OPTIMIZATION FOR PLANTS "A" TO "D" AT KADUNA REFINERY.

WITH REFERENCE TO YOUR LETTER NNPCPED VOL. 03225 DATED 19TH march, 1995 AND ARTICLE 35 WE TAKE THE LIBERTY TO SUBMIT TO YOU THE ATTACHED INVOICE NO. 940253 FOR THE AMOUNT OF US$21.320.00M (TWENTY-ONE MILLION,THREE HUNDRED TWENTY THOUAND U.S. DOLLARS ONLY)BEING THE FINAL PAYMENT DUE TO US ON COMPLETION OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED CONTRACT.

IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE AFOREMENTIONED ARTICLES OF AGREEMENT AND ALL OTHER RELEVANT AMENDMENTS THERETO,WE WISH TO STATE THAT IN ARRIVING AT THIS CLAIM, WE HAVE TAKEN COGNISANCE OF THE MOBILISATION FEES ALREADY RECEIVED FROM YOU.

KINDLY REMIT THE ABOVE STATED AMOUNT IN FULL TO OUR UNDERMENTIONED BANK ACCOUNT:

BANK NAME:.......................
BANK ADDRESS:....................
BANK FAX/TEL NO:.................
ACCOUNT NO:......................
BANK TELEX NO.:..................

YOURS FAITHFULLY

TRANSCRIBE THIS PORTION ON YOUR INVOICE

NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION
FALOMO OFFICE COMPLEX
P. M. B. 12701

QUANTITY DESCRIPTION AMOUNT

ITEM 1 SUPPLY, COMMISSIONING OF 250,000 MONAX TURBINE POLYPROPYLENE PLANTS AND 150,000 BPSD FOR KADUNA REFINERY US$11,100,000.00

ITEM 2 PIPELINE RECONSTRUCTION AND COMPUTER
OPTIMIZATION FOR PLANTS "A" TO "D" AT KADUNA REFINERY US$10,220,000.00

CERTIFIED OFFICIAL INVOICE

THIS BILL WAS QUOTED AND IS PAYABLE IN U.S DOLLARS ONLY.

CONTRACT SITE: NIGERIA
CONTRACT TYPE: INDUSTRIAL
A/C DEPT. CODE: B - 600 - 23
CORPORATE CODE: COG - 4211

SUB TOTAL: US$21,320,000.00

GRAND TOTAL US$21,320,000.00

THE INVOICE SHOULD BE STAMPED AND SIGNED

Pretty standard, I suppose...though I have no idea what it means....formulating a response even as we speak.

Let you know as things progress.

2002-03-06T08:04:00.000-08:00

URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP--Part 2

Having been singled out by Dr. Williams to make this money, it was absolutely nessesary that I reply promptly, which I did. In three seperate emails. As follows.

First I tried the friendly response.

Dr. Ossai--

Please send more information.

Ned Niederlander
CEO/President
MAAA

This garnered no reply from Mr. Williams...and I need this money. So I gave him a little push, with (and I admit, it does contain and element of fantasy) an urgent need to know about this deal NOW--

Dr. Ossai--

It is imperative that you contact me now concerning out potential business
arrangement. I leave for the Philippines this afternoon.

Truly,

Ned Niederlander
President/CEO
MAAA

Still, nothing. I was growing impatient. That money was sitting there waiting for me, he needed my help, and now he had the audacity to remain silent when I wanted a piece of this action!! It was time TO ACT!

Dear Sir,

Your continued refusal to reply to my queries leads me to believe that
this proposition you've made is not entirely on the level. Please assuage
my fears that all is not right with your deal by responding to my message as
soon as possible. I'm very intrigued by your offer, but have as of yet been
unable to fax or contact you. Since you leave me no other information, if
you cannot reply back, I will assume the deal is forfeit, and attempt to
contact you no further.

Sincerely,

Ned Niederlander
CEO
Middleton Area Accounting Accredits

There. Either he'll get back with me, or our whole little deal will be off. To think, I've wasted this much time on this, and recieve not even a cursory reply. Still, that yacht in the Keyes is so close I can taste it. Taste it!

2002-03-06T07:56:00.000-08:00

Big Money For You Now!

Dr. Ossai Williams wants to make me rich. I do not know why he has singled me out for this honor, what about my personality, or proffessional work, or perhaps my writing make me worthy for this kind of attention, but apparently, the Nigerian govrnment has TONS of money floating around, and they want to give it to me. I was lucky enough to recieve this missive from Dr. Williams just One month ago--DR.WILLIAMS OSSAI.
EMAIL:williamsossai4@email.com
FAX:234-1-7597267

Att:Presidents/Ceo

URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

First, I must solicit your confidence in transaction. which is of mutual benefit.This is by virtue of it's nature of being utterly confidential.I am sure and have confidence of your ability, and reliability to prosecute a transaction of this great magnitude. We are top Officials of the Federal Government Contract review Panel who are interested in importation of goods into our country with funds which are presently trapped in Nigeria. In order to commence this business,we need your assistance to enable us transfer funds into your account. As members of the Contract Review Panel set up by the Government of Nigeria to review all contracts from 1983 to the present,we have identified a lot of inflated contract funds which are presently floating in the Central Bank of Nigeria ready for payment. By virtue of our position as Civil Servants and members of this Panel, we cannot acquire this money in our names, in thisregard I have been delegated by my colleagues of the review Panel to look for an overseas partner into whose account we would transfer the sum of US$21,320,000.00 ( Twenty -One Million, Three Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollars) hence we take the liberty to write you.
The money will be shared as follows:
1.20% for the account owner.
2. 70% for us (The Officials)
3.10% to be used in settling taxation and all local and foreign expenses. Please note that this whole process will take between 7 to 10 working days from the date of receipt of the following information by fax 234 1 7597267 Your individual/Company's signed and stamped letterhead with a transcribed"Text" which we would send to you upon receipt of your reply with a letter of interest. The above information will enable us write letter of claim, and Job description by using your individual/Company name to apply for payment for the above stated amount. Please acknowledge the receipt of this letter using the above Fax number. Detailed information of this pending business transaction will be sent to you as soon as I hear from you.

Yours faithfully,

DR.WILLIAMS OSSAI.
--

I'm the luckiest boy in the whole world. Excuse me, while I write Mr. Williams and collect my 21 MILLION DOLLARS!

Ciao

2002-01-25T14:11:00.000-08:00

Back in Bidness

Alright...alright...I'm back. I know, you all missed me. I watched my site meter slowly decline from it's usual, steady 3 hits a day and dwindle to the occasional 1 every other day. Thank you whoever kept trying...I appreciate it.
Ugh. Just read my last post. So much for that New Year's Resolution.
It's difficult to blog. To blog effectively. I want to be the funniest motherfucker on the net, or the most profound, or the most moving, but instead I always seem to come up with just more blah, blah, blah...Was it Charlie B. who said that you don't find your writer's voice till you hit your 50-thousandth word? I don't know, but I'm prolly just around 5k....and still floundering.
How's that for profound, deep, and revealing.
I suck.

Ciao

Ned

2002-01-02T09:18:00.000-08:00

Return of Willie

I'm back, pumped up for another year of Blogging, and I have absolutely nothing to say. But, that has never stopped me before. Be it hereby New Year Resolved to blog more frequently, more amusingly, and with far, far more anger than last year.

I shall return!

2001-12-20T08:39:00.000-08:00

blah

2001-12-19T13:47:00.000-08:00

This is a test of the emergency blogger post system...this is only a test

2001-12-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

Why isn't retail an anagram for hell?

This was the subject line of an e-mail I got yesterday. The e-mail itself was from my ole chum from Borders. Having filled out the application and actually worked at that joint for a couple of years, I really, really feel for him. The holiday season at Border's was a real pain in the ass. However, I feel compelled to answer his question truly and honestly.

The answer:

Because there's no "i" in hell.

So there you go, Scott. Now go and give those customers some more dirty looks. Wish I could be there to join you.

Ciao

2001-12-17T13:58:00.000-08:00

Check out the new archives....heh...I am a bad ass...

2001-12-17T11:30:00.000-08:00

Back to Reality...

Two nights ago I was comic king of the world, making an audience of nearly two hundred people laugh and forget their troubles for a little while.

Today, I am copy boy.

Consider me humbled.

Ciao

2001-12-12T07:35:00.000-08:00

Top Five Shitty, Rainy Day Two Days Before A Show Song And Life's Insane List

1. St. Louise is Listening--Soul Coughing
2. A Cry For Help In A World Gone Mad--Agent Orange
3. Nobody's Fault--Beck
4. The Boy With Perpetual Nervousness--The Feelies
5. We're Not Gonna Make It--Presidents of the USA

There you have it. I was gonna go with the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald...but I don't want to tempt fate.

Ciao

2001-12-11T10:59:00.000-08:00

Two Days and Counting

The Victor Continental show goes up in exactly two days, and things are running at their usual pace...in other words, I'm about to shoot myself. Actually, that's not entirely true. I'm about to shoot Auman, and flee to Mexico.
Spent all day yesterday running around on my day off, gathering props, costumes, and the like. Have noticed that people tend to look at you very strangely if you ask for a refridgerator box and a chain saw at the same time.
Almost all the sketches are written, with the exception of Shitty Deal have been written...now they just have to be memorized, costumed, and performed. No sweat, eh?
For those keeping the tally, I want this noted for the record--

For this show, I have--

--collaborated, written, copied, and organized the scripts
--tried to keep rehearsals running smoothly, and relatively on time
--typed, re-typed, copied, and then revised the bit order
--gathered the majority of the costumes and props
--been to the Salvation Army at least three times
--spent way too much time at Kinkos
--and made sure the song was finished, and the tapes of the songs distributed (sorry, hily)

Auman has
--been to Kinko's twice
--put up some posters
--called the Journal World

Now, if Auman can come through with some last minute fund raising activities, I think we'll be about even. Otherwise, I win the game. I don't care how many times that fucker goes to ACTF.

Ciao

2001-12-07T11:11:00.000-08:00

A Lame Ass Link Post

What work of art are you? I'm a pre-historic cave painting....go figure...

2001-12-06T10:47:00.000-08:00

It's Incredibly Hot in Here Today, Incredibly Hot in Here....

That's fucking it. I have decided to go Godfather on Doug Weaver's big fat lazy ass. I am going to call him and ask him to let Hilary out of work on Tuesday to come to rehearsal, and if he says no, I'm gonna put a fucking dead horse's head in his bed.

Of course...Cheryl might see it, and mistake it for Doug.

Must...control....anger....

Coffee.

Ciao

2001-12-05T07:24:00.000-08:00

I'm still Alive

...though my car is currently at the shop due to a problem it seems to have developed with starting (or more precisely, not starting when asked). We had several good talks, and I thought we were about ot make a breakthrough...but instead, I was forced (reluctantly, I might add) to put her in the shop.

God I hope it's not more than $100....or I am, as the French say--Le Fucked.

2001-11-30T08:29:00.000-08:00

Here Comes The Sun

George Harrison died last night. As if you didn't know. I almost didn't come in to work today, feeling like I should just sit at home and spin my folks old Beatles Albums in memorium. George wasn't my favorite (I'm a secret Paul fan, I know it's not chique, but John was a bit morose for my taste, and Ringo--well, consider it a tribute to the others that anyone likes the Beatles after Octopus's Garden) but he was one of the lads, and without his influence the Beatles would have been 100% scitar-free (debate the merits of that). But here I am at work, sans Beatles albums, thinking I'm going to have to spend the afternoon listening to "She Said" (Track 18 on a mix CD I brought into the office) over and over again, and looking out at the bleak downtown KC skyline, and wondering how four guys could write songs that can sum up how you feel at any given moment, at different times in your life. No small accomplishment. I write Shitty Puppet Shows.

ciao

2001-11-28T08:39:00.001-08:00

Feeling Funny

The absolute worst thing is to be in the middle of writing a sketch and get a case of the "I'm not funnies".

Dammit....it's happening now.

I suck.

Ciao

2001-11-28T08:39:00.000-08:00

Feeling Funny

The absolute worst thing is to be in the middle of writing a sketch and get a case of the "I'm not funnies".

Dammit....it's happening now.

I suck.

Ciao

2001-11-27T09:01:00.000-08:00

Bad Blogger, Bad!

Alright...I've been shitty about the updates. I promise more to come today...however, twere a long holiday weekend filled with turkey and lies.

Enjoy this for now. I know I did.

Ciao

2001-11-21T15:59:00.000-08:00

Boobs

I've been thinking a lot about boobs the past couple of days. Actually, strike that--I've been thinking about them since I was seven or so, but really contemplating them over the past couple of days. The different sizes, the different shapes, the lengths most guys will go to to get a look at them. And it doesn't stop--the desire to see boobs. So many things in my life have changed, priorities, friends, goals, lovers--but underlying all of this has been this primal desire to look at a good pair of boobies. Does this make me shallow? Possibly, but I like to think the draw is at least part pshysiological, thus giving me a bit of an excuse. However, that's only part of it. The other part just thinks they're neat.

So here it is--in the tradition of High Fidelity. The top 5 stupidest things I've ever done to get a look at boobs.

1. When I was seven or eight, my parents ran a dinner theatre. I would go to the women's dressing room, claiming I was tired and needed a nap. I would then lie down on the floor behind the costumes, move some costumes aside slightly, and enjoy the visual buffet. Boob Quality: 5 (these were mostly older women here) Efficacy: 3 (easy to pull off, but capture would ruin the plan. Plus, you had to be real careful not to get caught by mom.)

2. Another childhood memory. The classic "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours". I was eight, it was behind a big old pile of trash my folks always built in the back yard and then burned. The girl was Monica Thomson. In a moment of pre-adolescent glory, I saw for the first time, the female anatomy (though it was, of course, Monica's, and not fully developed at the time; although apparently it later became developed enough to give her not one but two children throughout her high school career). Quality: 4--it was Monica; Efficacy:7--low risk of capture, as there is safety behind the woodpile.

3. High School. Bored one night at rehearsal, Erik Ring and I dared Kitty Steffens to flash us while we were all sitting in a circle, reading the play "Ah Wilderness". She obliged, even though she was sitting right next to the director. Everyone else's head was in their script, and the director was asleep, so it worked out nicely. Quality: 8.5--I mean, they're Kitty's boobs. Efficacy: 2--Extremely High Risk of Capture, and we knew we'd never get anywhere else with Kitty.

4. "Do you want to play a game of Star Wars" In high school, there was a girl named Tracy Alderson, who was irritating, and perpetually greasy. She did, however, have great breasts. She used to baby-sit for my sister on the weekends--and then, that fateful night, I got home early from a date with Kasi, my girlfriend at the time, and Tracy and I started talking. We ended up talking about childhood games (not quite sure how it came up), but I made up this game I "used to play" called "Star Wars". It basically involved getting under the covers and then pretending you were piloting a starship. I asked her if she wanted to play, she said yes, we absconded to the bouidoir. Much more than "Star Wars" was played, but since I was lacking a missle defense shield, it didn't go much farther than lookie and a bit of touchie. Quality: 6--High School Girls in your room half naked is pretty cool. Efficacy--.05 High School Girls in your room half naked playing "Star Wars" is fucking lame, man.

5. "Ode to Your Breasts"--In college, boobs were a lot easier to come by (particularly in the theatre), and I didn't worry so much about seeing them. But there was one point, with Mel Nowack, that I actually stooped to using the line "I'd really like to write some poetry about your naked body". The funniest thing about it was, it actually worked. Quality--9--because getting that line to work deserves a 9. Efficacy:2--the event was great, but there were terrible circumstances surrounding it. But that, my friends is another story for another time.

I'm off to wander the Internet now...wonder what I'll find.

Ciao

2001-11-16T09:29:00.000-08:00

This is Nessesary...

11:24 p.m. The window is wide open, and Tool's Undertow spews it's unabashed self-indulgent, angry bile from my C.D. player. Tool is, and has been my preffered winter music of choice since I picked up Undertow my second year of college. I haven't broken the album out since last December, and now I remember why. Haunting, beautiful, eerie, intense; it sums up nicely my take on winter--a dark, cold, desolate string of days where everything takes on a gray quality, and my world seems claustrophobically small.

Of course, if it wasn't 65 degrees, sunny, and a 6 mile visiblility today, this post would make a lot more sense. But dammit, it should be winter.

Ciao

Oh...by the way, you can get a date off the Weather Channel website now...heh...wonder what you'd talk about.

2001-11-16T07:20:00.000-08:00

The Souls that Try Men's Times

Here's how I feel about work today.

It's November, still beautiful outside, and I'm stuck in my wee office, staring at this bleedin' machine. However, I've got all my limbs (as my grandmother was often quick to point out) and a roof over my head (as my mother was quick to point out), and I'm expecting some good news today. I don't know what that is--but dammit, I'd better get it.
Had a long talk with my old bud David Garver last night.

Verbosity, denial, and all, it was still good to talk to him. He's a good long conversation once every couple of months or so kinda friend. And he's been doing well for himself, got a lead part in a low budget festival picture that may be out on video soon, perhaps even get a limited run, so that's good. And he's thinking of moving to LA. This mass migration to LA frightens and intrigues me. I'd almost go myself, if I didn't think the place was going to fall into the ocean soon.

Anyway, off to more collection calls. I'll probably write when that good news comes in. Hopefully it'll be really cool.

Ciao

2001-11-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

Warrior Shot The Food

Things that make you go 'fuck'.

Bad news seems to come in droves these days, good news--not so much. Yesterday's "cloudy with a mid-afternoon likelyhood of shitty" started about three-thirty, when I called Auman to find out when the Victor meeting was--only to find out it was last night at 8, even though I had not been notified of this before. I HAD, however, made plans with Hilary, who will probably never speak to me again for cancelling said plans, as I had to e-mail said cancellation, and pray to the Gods that she got it in time. I may never know.
Then I talk to a certain actor in the Victor show, who now wants to be paid for doing said Victor show. I won't name said actor, but prolly won't be hard to figure out who it is. Said Actor initally sprung this on Auman a few nights ago (another event I was not updated on--such is life in Kansas City) and when Said Actor told me I thought Said Actor was joking, and I'm still not sure if they're serious, but if so, we could be in a whole heap of shit. While I understand on some levels why 'Said Actor' wants to be paid, I cannot justify paying 'Said Actor' without feeling obligated to compensate the rest of the cast, who work equally as hard, and we can't afford to do that. We've managed to save up enough money to spend a little on the show, but it's not going to be enough to pay for the space for three nights, pay for sets and costumes, AND pay everybody. I wish it was, but it's not.
I'm getting really tired of it--the egos and the bullshit. It's supposed to be fun. It started out fun, it got kinda un-fun, then it got fun again, and now it's back to the un-fun. I'm tired of the infighting and the egos, the passive agressive attitudes, and the negativity. The show is always chaotic, yes, but it's turned from the exciting fun kind of chaos, to this petty squabbling crap, and I don't like it. I dunno, maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's time to end Victor. It kills me to say that, because I think it's done a lot of good for a lot of people, but I don't want to feel like it's something done out of habit, rather than out of joy. And this, so far, has felt like habit. And that makes me sad.
Then I go over to the folks (drove the old man to the airport at 6 this morning, possibly why I'm waxing so philisophical), and find out my cousin, who had a cancer battle about two years ago (she's three years younger than I am), as well as an eating disorder, may have cancer again. They found a lump under her rib. She barely survived the first battle, I don't know if she can make it through the second. She's my beautiful, smart, funny, slightly bossy, wonderful Jewish American Princess cousin, and she may be dying. Her bah mitzvah, in 88 or 89, was the first time I had a one-night stand (or as much of a one night stand as one can have in junior high--namely taking a walk and making out) with Sarah Schlossberg, on the beach (she later became a lesbian, apparently.). We used to make videos and eat Pop Tarts until we were sick. I don't mean to start the dirge early, but I'm worried. Worried, and absolutely unable to do anything.

Straw by straw it falls.

If anybody has any good news, I'd dig hearing it right about now. Otherwise, I'm clockwatching till 3 when I can go home and curl up the fetal position, and curse the fates till I sleep.

Ciao

Will

2001-11-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

Mo Money Mo Money

I've been making collection calls. It sucks.

2001-11-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

Ode to a Tall Girl At Harpo's

My God Girl,
You are so tall.
How did you get to be that tall
I mean, Jesus Christ,
I've seen some tall people
but you take the cake
Girl
Tall Girl.

Oh Tall Girl,
you look so good
With long legs and perky breasts
(Tall girl breasts ain't so big, but she don't slack none, either)
and that tall girl ass that serves
more as a leg/back connecter
than a more full feature model.
Daddy took you to the orthodontist
Cause that smile ain't cheap,
but the rest was from God--
Cause Damn! You
Tall
Girl.

Oh Tall Girl,
You so anti-establishment
With your salon
mussed hair and leather jacket
and tall, tall blue jeans that smaller women would get lost in
and never escape from.
Even your cigarettes are tall--
The tree next to you is jealous
my Tall
Tall
Girl.

Oh Tall Girl,
Why did you have to start talking?
With that smoke and whiskey voice
that will only be sexy for a few more years
and then fade
to a harsh rasp
that you use to lash out at the little people
Terrible fate
For my Tall
Tall
Girl.

Oh Tall Girl,
Do you ever stop talking?
You ramble on and on
with a banshee's rasp,
and a hyenia's laugh
about how lame your co-workers are
You were so much better
in silence, but it is not your fate
and so before our tragic love could begin
it ended,
And I cry out to God,
And Dave,
Let's bail, man, For there is nothing left
for me
and Tall
Tall
Girl.

2001-11-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

Another pointless exercise

Alright...top five desert island video games assuming I have electricity and a cable modem conenction (just go with it)

1. Half-Life/Counter-Strike/Team Fortress (I know it's 3 in 1 but it's mods)
2. Civilization 3
3. Madden 99 (Yes, 99...no franchises, but I can kick ass at the run on it, so lay off)
4. Defenders of the Crown (Old Amiga piece of shit game, but I loved, and do love it.)
5. The Sims (Dark horse, but it's addictive, and since I'll be stuck on the island, might be nice to look at those Sim women showering, and what not....)

There it is. Don't like it, tough. Do better.

2001-11-13T12:10:00.000-08:00

What I'm paid 11.50 an hour for...

Thought you'd all be impressed by this e-mail I just wrote concerning a delinquent exhibit account--

"Not to rain on anybody's parade, but he told me he was going to the board
concerning these debts back in July, when I first began collecting for the
FY 01 past dues. Since then I have been shuttled between him and Becky
Wilcox, both of whom have assured me the money is coming soon, but so far,
no checks have been sent. I understand Mr. Hatch is on the advisory panel
and that puts us in a difficult situation, however, I would be hesitant to
issue further contracts until some sort of payment plan is arranged and
adhered to."

...hesitant to issue further contracts until some sort of payment plan is arranged and adhered to? Wow...I'm turning myself on here.

2001-11-13T07:43:00.000-08:00

More better Fresh!

The new "Get Your War On" page is up. Check it out...some lovely stuff in there. "Dick Cheney, I'm calling you out, you oil industry bitch motherfucker!"

That's funny shit.

What is not funny shit is last night, when I, having completed eleven pages of my novel, attempted to celebrate by turning on a C.D. on my computer, and lost everything. I'm still in shock and trying not to think about the pain, but perhaps this is a sign from God. Mayhaps I should wait till next year on the whole novel thing, and just kick out a screenplay or a play by the end of November. Very do-able, very easy, and more my style. I fucking hate novel writing.

Ciao for now.

Neddie

2001-11-12T08:48:00.000-08:00

again with the Google...

here's the second google search engine hit...heh...check it out...really...tis funny.

2001-11-12T08:44:00.000-08:00

It begins

Alright...here's the first page o' the novel.

Return of the Rain Dogs
by Ned Niederlander
Che liked his post at right field. It didn’t require much work, ket him off the bench, and afforded a great view of the action surrounding the game. By virture of his memory, and the fact thtathe was the only sober one at most of the games, the other players in the outfield looked to him for positioning.
“Let’s move in, move in!” he’d yell, or “This guy hits the shit out of it, Paulie, move to the track!”
Paulie, would just nod sagely, and hold his postion.
Right field was Che’s favorite, not only because of the power of calling the outfield (and yes, he did enjoy the power, no shame in that, right?) but also for the view of the field, of the other fields in the complex, of the game itself. The pitch, the swing, the hit, the miss, the pop fly, the line drive, the yells of the fat, bored, Midwestern housewives yelling “Strike him out, Ray!” only in their flat Midwestern drawl it sounded more like “Strike heem out, Ree.”
In short, “Che” Tito O’Malley loved the game of softball. Loved it in a way that was different and separate from anything else he loved. He liked computer games, he loved literature, he loved sex and good porn; but softball transended all of that. He was passionate about the game. Che was smart enough to realize his was a childish, selfish, and ultimately stupid passion, but goddamn—
Che fucking loved playing softball.

1 down...199 to go...

I'm gettin' there...

2001-11-09T12:03:00.000-08:00

My novel so far...

Here we go--

There's a guy.

...and that's all I've got so far.

2001-11-09T09:10:00.000-08:00

A Day Late and A Buck Short...

So I've heard a lot about this lately. Apparently it's a bunch of fools who try to crank out a 50,000 word novel in a month.

Ha!

I want in.

I'm thinking about starting, cept I'm already 9 days behind...let's see...I can write 6 pages of script in an hour...so let's assume, for argument's sake, that I could crank out 3 double spaced pages in an hour...that would make 30 pages in 10 hours, or 300 pages in 100 hours...now, adding in cursing time, and maybe some thinking about what I'm going to write, and I'm saying 100 hours is probably about right...spread over twenty days, I would have to write appx. 5 hours a day to make the goal. 5 hours a day...*thinks* Do-able? I don't know..but it might be fun as hell to try. I'm thinking seriously about this, folks, and the polls are up...comment and let me know if you think it's worth it. I mean, really, what else am I going to do with my time...
Better go and think of something to write about.

2001-11-09T07:15:00.000-08:00

Properties of Propaganda

A bittersweet victory celebration at best. Two Colt 45 40's with Victor and Dave, a Papa John's large sausage and pepperoni, and a long morning trip to the bathroom to void all...it seems the glory days are waning.

I pine for the Lawrence after play celebrations. Whether it's Scotch and a long, rambling discussion with Auman, or wine and watching Scott tear the living room apart, Lawrence definetly has one up for post-play partying. Then again, Lawrence seems to have one up on Kansas City in just about every department.

Hoping to find another Ned Niederland victim today. This just in--the "Niederlander group" is actually a large production company out in LA. I shit you not, Mat told me this yesterday...I bout died laughing. My pseudonym is a killing word.

Bartkoski's on my ass to write another play, this time for her... and I quote--

"Something brilliant for me to take to the publishers and thusly rocket your career into fame, fortune, and misunderstood genius. That, or porn. Whatever."

I'm thinking about a tragic Romeo and Juliet style romance modernized with skinheads and a Grateful Dead soundtrack, and a Muslim nurse who gets banged doggie style in the background the whole time. Any other ideas would be welcome.

2001-11-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

Awwwww, yeah....
As of today at 2:45p.m. Will's newest old masterpiece has been finished. That's right, the new play "Literary Canonfodder" that I've been working on for Mat and Nick for, oh, eight months is in the can, at a lean and mean 60 pages. I want to go drink tonight...I wonder if I know anyone who drinks?

2001-11-07T12:16:00.000-08:00

Hilary 1; Scott 0

Ladies and Gentlemen, as of Sunday, November 4th, Hilary is officially on top of the Fight Club Scoreboard, after a brave, and slightly drunken right hook to Mr. McCracken. We'll keep you informed as events warrant.

Hee hee

2001-11-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

Blah

Not feeling so hot today...tired...don't feel like writing...so here's another Ned Niederlander Film Pitch.

Coffee...

From: ShareWonder@aol.com
To: ned_niederlander@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Potential Screenplay for Craig Weiscz
Date: Tue, 8 May 2001 14:17:33 EDT

Thank you for your submission. While we will not pursue it at this time, I
wish you good luck in getting it produced.

Sincerely,
- Craig Weisz
ShareWonder Films

From: "Ned Niederlander"
To: hmmmm@hotmail.com
Subject: Potential Screenplay for Craig Weiscz
Date: Tue, 08 May 2001 18:59:28 -0500

Mr Weiscz:

Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Dr. Ned Niederlander, professor of psychology. Actually, I was a professor, until about a year and a half ago, when, due to an unfortunate miscommunication between myself and the federal government, I was briefly incarcerated at Lansing Federal Penitentary in Levenworth, Kansas. This trumped up charge was ridiculous, but it did give me a chance to reflect upon my life. While incarcerated, I met many unfortunate souls, whom, lacking a decent upbringing and nuturing home life, resorted to crime as a cry for help. I decided during my time in Lansing that I would dedicate my life to telling their stories.
Which is why I am writing to you. I have a script, a rather amusing one, actually, which I think would be perfect for your production company. It tells the story of one of the men that I was "locked up" with. I have included a detailed summary, along with the industry standard "logline" for your perusal.

Logline: A cat burgaler who's occupation in exactly that, stealing cats, winds up finding love and redemption in the form of a little girl whose cat he has stolen.

Synopsis: Clyde Barrows is a desperate man. Raised on the streets (think Martin Lawrence, or a lean Eddie Murphy) he talks a "bad" talk, and walks a "bad" walk. He is "down with it". He makes his living stealing rare breeds of cats, and selling metheamphetimines, but he is trying to "go legit". Through a series of deals gone bad, he is "dissed" and seeks revenge against a certain "homie". A car chase ensues, and after wrecking his car, he is forced "back into the game"
He finds a rare breed of cat totalling the amount of money he owes, and he steals it. The cat belongs to a little girl (cute, like that girl from the Pepsi commercials, or a younger Britany Spears), and she puts up posters. Feeling remorse, Clyde contacts the little girl and agrees to get her cat back. However, the cat has been sold to the wife of a mobster, who is a "made man". With the aid of the plucky little girl, Clyde is able to "gank" the mobster, and "get on out with the loot". Clyde realizes his ways are abhorrent, and resolves to be a better person in the future.

I personally think it has the potential to be a fantastic production, and I hope you will agree to do it. The script is a bit long, coming in at 215 pages, but I feel that we can cut it down to a more reasonable 185 if you are worried about time.

Oh, and not to be a pest, but I will be shopping it around to other potential producers and directors, so please be expedient with your response.

Sincerely,

Dr. N. Niederlander
Former Professor

2001-11-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

Revenge of Lopez

So I sent a query letter (scroll down the page to the letters in ALL CAPS for more info) to "Writer's Tale", a group looking for a writer who will write for the love of writing. They gave me a nice response.
Here it is....

Dear Herr Niederlander,

As long as you're not a writer who really wants to direct, produce, act, edit, star, etc., in films is all I'm worried about. Nevertheless, thanks for your message but we're going in another direction.

Warmest Saludos,

A. Lopez

P.S. By the way: Truley is spelled Truly.

Should I write them back? I'm tempted, but I'll wait till the polls are in...in the meanwhile, I'm off to troll for more fun Hollywood Producers Looking for Writers.

Ciao

2001-11-01T12:51:00.000-08:00

If you liked that one, you'll love this

It goes back a couple of months...some writer thought I was the producer, and wrote me...had some fun with him, fore he wised up....read from the end of the entry back up...trust me.

That's cool Ned. I looked you up in the database and didn't see your name nor the credits you listed in this email. Is there another name you are credited under in these projects? Just wondering. Thanks.
C.

From: "Ned Niederlander" To: your2man@hotmail.com Subject: Re: (none) Date: Fri, 08 Jun 2001 10:07:17 -0500

Hey Carl,

Oh, man, it's been crazy around here. I got people callin' me out one ear and in the other. Screaming about rent, scripts, actor's strikes, everything. I'm considering getting a place in Racida, just to get away from this mess. You been to Racida? Beautiful place, it's fucking God's country up in there. I been thinkin, and you're right, I should tell you a little bit about my company--Ned Niderlander Int. CC, Ltd. M&M. We been in business for about ten now, and we've a lotta near hits, and a couple of near misses. Our biggest project was THE HAUNTING, you know, with Gillian Anderson? Gawd, that coulda been a hit, if I just coulda convinced her to show some tit, you know? That's what those crazy X-files junkie freek spotty kids want to see. None of this marriage gonna awry, they just wanna see some boobies. But you try talking to that bitch, see how far you get. We ended our proffessional relationship shortly thereafter. So she can't be in your movie. We've also done several reality segments for FOX, and recently we co-produced and helped cast FOX'S BOOT CAMP. Terrific experience. You know the lesbian on there? We got her. Anyway, we're lookin' to break big, now. Big. And I like your idea for this URBAN LEGENDS. Tell me more about it.

Balls in your court, babe,

Ned Niederlander Chief Producing Officer Ned Niederlander Inc. CC. Ltd. M&M

From: "Carl Washington" To: ned_niederlander@hotmail.com Subject: Re: (none) Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 21:02:29

Look Babe, tell me what projects you've worked on. I got something like the next I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER but with an urban edge to it. C.

From: "Ned Niederlander" To: your2man@hotmail.com Subject: Re: (none) Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 15:57:09 -0500

Carl,

Look, babe, enough with the interregation. I mean, shit, I'm the one who's buyin and you're the one who's sellin', you know what I mean? Eh, I'm sorry, I just got off the phone with my bitch ex-wife, she's takin' me up to the bank and back, wants half of this, half of that, she's askin' for half the dog, can you believe that? We're going down to the vet next week! Anyway, are you good? Cause I fuckin' hate people who aren't good. I mean, I need something new; something edgy; but not too over the top, if you know what I mean. Traditional, but bold. Something like "Sixth Sense," or Angel Heart, but without the bullshit fucking paranormal nonsense. And no surprises at the end, hear me. Nothing worse than that goddamn "look at me I'm the smart writer" crap. You got something like that? I work with Big Names. I gotta give em something...so pitch me kid, then we'll talk money order nonsense.

Ned Niederlander Chief Producing Executive Officer Ned Niederlander Int. CC. Ltd. M&M Productions

From: "Carl Washington" To: ned_niederlander@hotmail.com Subject: Re: (none) Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 20:33:50

Hey Ned, looking for scripts? Actors? If scripts, what kind of scripts? What projects have you done? If Actors, what's your next project? And since you mentioned a check, I'm open to cash or money orders instead. Thanks. C.

From: "Ned Niederlander" To: your2man@hotmail.com Subject: Re: (none) Date: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 15:04:23 -0500

Carl Washington,

Thank you for your interest in my company, Ned Niderlander Co. Ltd., Int., CC. M&M Productions. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you, I've had my Latvian Secretary doing my corospondence for the past couple of weeks, and recently it came to my attention that rather than reading the mail, she was printing it out and using it to roll her shitty joints with. Needless to say, I canned the bitch, and we're back to business as usual now. Sorry I haven't caught either of your movies, babe, but I don't get to Blockbuster too often, I owe some huge fine or some shit, but do you think you could e-mail me a copy? You know, or fax it or something? I love looking at new talent, and you sound like my kind of man. What francise is your agent with? Subway? McDonald's? I need to know more specifics. Now that this damn strike is over, I'm looking for all the material I can get. My usual writer's been on a fuckin' week and a half long bender, and I'm afraid that bastard's gonna pull a Hemingway on me. Workin' for me's great, though. Listen, I dont' pay much, but the checks don't usually bounce. Anyway, looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

N.N. Head Chief Executive Producer, Ned Niderlander Co. Ltd., Intl. CC, M&M.

From: "Carl Washington" To: ned_niederlander@hotmail.com Subject: (none) Date: Wed, 09 May 2001 03:02:41

Hi:

My name is Carl Washington. I'm a produced Actor and Screenwriter. I wrote and co-starred in a movie called KILLJOY which is out in blockbuster and hollywood video stores. I also co-wrote another movie called THE VAULT which is also in blockbuster and hollywood video stores. I have one comedy script optioned. I'm interested in working with a filmmaker/company like yourself. I'm also repped by a franchised agent if that helps. If interested, let me know. Thanks.

Carl

2001-11-01T12:43:00.000-08:00

From the Ever Dodgy Producers Seeking Scritpwriters Page

October 30, 2001
Buyer Name: Arturo Lopez
Company: Writer's Tale
Credits: Start Up
Is there money upfront? Some
Contact Info: writers_tale@hotmail.com
Contact Person: Arturo Lopez
Years In Business: Start Up
Email: writers_tale@hotmail.com
Writer Wanted: NEED A WRITER WHO LOVES ONLY TO WRITE. LOW BUDGET INDEPENDENT FILM WITH FINANCING IN PLACE. STORY COMPLETED BUT NEED SCREENWRITER FOR SCRIPT. MESSAGES WITH ATTACHMENTS OR DIRECTED TO WEBSITES WILL BE DELETED.
Screenplay Wanted: NEED A WRITER WHO LOVES ONLY TO WRITE. LOW BUDGET INDEPENDENT FILM WITH FINANCING IN PLACE. STORY COMPLETED BUT NEED SCREENWRITER FOR SCRIPT. MESSAGES WITH ATTACHMENTS OR DIRECTED TO WEBSITES WILL BE DELETED.

My response

Dear Senor Lopez,

Holla! I am Ned Niederlander, and I am very interested in being the writer of which you speak. I am truley a writer who only loves to write. I am not a writer who loves to paint, or a writer who loves to draw, no--no--I live for the writing. I have been writing for many years. My wife says ten. She knows, as she has read everything I have written. Sometimes she leaves marks in the side in a red pen, and then I look at what she says, and change my words. We are symbiotical. That is a word I truley love to write.
I am sorry, I have rambled. But I am excited to write for you. When will we get started on this project. You must let me know soon as my third child is soon to leave for military school. I am running out of time! My wife says you should let me know immediately. Your response is truley pending.

Sincerely,

Ned Niederlander
Loving writer
Father of four

we shall see what response we get...you'll hear it here first...

2001-11-01T08:09:00.000-08:00

Work--A Love Poem
for Erik Ring

Oh Work--
You are so fine.
That's why I think of you all the time.
And I thought I'd write a little rhyme.
To let you know how much I love you.

Oh constant Work--
I go to you all day,
Even though you're forty five minutes out of my way
And there's a lot I could be doing, but hey
I just love to come and be at you.

Oh Clastrophobic Work--
With your cubicles so small,
What I'd give for a real wall,
Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall,
No break will keep me from you.

Oh, Frugal, Frugal Work--
Though you don't pay me much
Just enough to eat and such
(and that's not counting Lunch)
But I'll work through it just to see you.

Oh Treacherous Work--
With your employees and their comments snide,
Their degrees in being assholes are bona fide,
You really take me for a ride,
Yet I'm always going to you.

Oh Sweet, Sweet Work--
When I'm done with you for the night
It really gives me such a fright,
For the parking lot is dark, and you are bright,
I hope I don't get mugged leaving you.

So, Gentle Work--
My friend who's always there,
Whether or not I really care,
I just can't seem to wash you out of my hair,
And I'll always come back to you.

The End.

2001-11-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, Happy Wednesday

Today, everyone's gone to the board meeting...so it's just wee me and the secretary for most of the day. I've pulled out my trusty Barbados ashtray (a gift from Chad and Becca, nonetheless), and have proceeded to chain smoke in my office, and (amazingly enough) actually WORKED for the better part of an hour. Funny what no supervision will do to a man.

Had a very boring Halloween last night, but somewhat productive. The day was pretty much shit (and I don't want to go into that), but took a wee nap in the afternoon, got up and started a new play (ten pages, a good start) watched the FUCKING Yankees win the fourth World Series game, and went out for a parade de' Westport with crazy Victor, who told me that we live in a society of vengance, and he likes to fuck "dark" girls.

I don't know whether I picked this up from my grandfather, who was a psychologist at Menninger's, or whether it's a writer thing, but the ability to keep a striaght face, nod sagely, and absorb information for future use in a character study came in real handy last night.

Though the Jane's Addiction line from "Nothing's Shocking"--everybody's so full of shit--did keep popping into my head.

Nobody trick or treats on my scary street, so no cool costumes to report, though we did see a couple of fruity clowns, and a bunch of people dressed up like Frat Boys in Westport.

Gotta get back to work...life's so damn hard.

Ciao

2001-10-30T09:28:00.000-08:00

Victor--eeee....

Met the new (and now very temporary) roomate last night, the "evil mad genius" Victor. He actually seems like a pretty nice guy--apart from the fact that he is EVIL and MAD. I heard more stoner philosophy sitting on my couch last night then I did during my entire college career. Apparently, the CIA actually IS the Taliban, the worst terrorist attack ever would involve cocaine cut with antrax, and it's okay that our cable is shut off now because, "cable pollutes the mind".
Anyone who tells me anything about polluting the mind while lighting up their third joint in ONE HOUR, and chasing a hard pull with a swig of COLT 45 is--in my humble opinion--FULL OF SHIT

So that's a nutshell in Victor.

Strike that, reverse it.

In other news, for those of you who want to get ahold of me tonight, I will be debuing at the Casa De Auman, with my brand new copy of CIVILIZATION 3--staring at the computer screen, eating chicken wings, drinking PBR, and "oohing" and "ahhing" in computer game-y glory. It's a sad and pathetic life, I realize, but it's mine.

And in therapy, I'm learning to love me.

Ciao

2001-10-29T08:38:00.000-08:00

Monday--A New Beginning--

Ugh...need...more...coffee...

Another Monday come. The weekend went well, I suppose, though busier than I really wanted it to be. My show went up sans hitches Friday night. I was really pleased with it in the end. I thought the ten minute plays went well, and Kitten on the Case looked good--at least as good as I could get it to look. Luckily Jerry Mitchell playing a monster is a funny proposition, and it was definetly his work that sold the show. However, I was just relieved that everyone remembered their lines and most of their blocking. The dress rehearsal on Thursday sucked (I know, don't they all, but this one was PARTICULARLY bad), and I spent from 1:30 to 2:00 on Thursday night with a glass of Scotch contemplating fleeing the country and becoming a missionary in Beruit or somewhere, where nobody would ever have to know that I had anything to do with this little play in Lawrence, Kansas. It's hard maintaining control of a ship, and watching it come dangerously close to colliding with a rocky coast. I think I have a vague idea of how the Captain of the Titanic may have felt.
Saturday night the three one acts died a slow painful death. The audience was unresponsive, and you could feel the actors push harder and harder to get laughs, making the situation worse. It probably didn't help that the ex (whom the first ten minute play in the show is partially based on) was in the house...suddenly, every phrase that was even vaguly reminicent of that relationship seemed about a thousand times louder, and I spent the rest of the night reminding myself that if you are, in fact, going to do a relationship drama as therapy ten minute play, you should probably produce it at least 1 (one) area code away from the person it's about...ah well...what's she gonna do? Continue to refuse to talk to me? Still, it did make an otherwise happy occasion a little more depressing.
Sunday night was blusey, I didn't really know what to do. I have this problem with Sunday's...always have. Sunday nights make me feel like there's something more out there, something I'm not getting, something I'm not doing, someone I should know but I don't. Sunday nights I contemplate. Sunday nights I think too much. Sunday nights I question. Sunday nights I evaluate. Sunday nights I make resolutions to write more, and then go get chicken wings. Something odd about Sunday nights.

On a slightly happier note, I checked Site Meter today, and I got my first referral from Google. Yes, they were in fact looking for "office bitches". Heh.

Time for more coffee, kids.

Ciao

2001-10-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know which is more pitiful...that stuff like this is around, or that people like me actually have time (and the inclination) to read it. You decide.

2001-10-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

Hey, Rob--Lookie! Lookie!

Civ III comes out in 6 days. Shit.

...every time I think I might do something productive with my life...

Ugh.

2001-10-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

Questions, Questions, and More questions

An interesting article here about "Life in Wartime". I find myself bumping between being incredibly wrapped up in my personal life, and then moments of sheer existential dread as I contemplate the bigger picture, how long this "war" could go on for, and the implications it has on the future of the theatre, the non-profit sector, and our way of life in general. How's that for lofty.

Also, when am I gonna get some of that terror sex that everybody was talking about a couple of weeks ago?

2001-10-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

No Radio Blues

A poem about work and tunes

I have got myself no radio today,
because I have to use it in the fucking play,
So time is dragging in a major way,
And I may not make it through the day.

It's not a good radio, that's for sure,
The sound is all tinny and not at all pure,
But still it makes me feel oh so demure
To have music to which my ears can lure (I know it's bad, shut up.)

But I just got so tired of carrying it around,
And I was quite afraid I'd drop it on the ground,
And then it would no longer make a sound,
My "Bass Boost" Master would have had it's last pound.

So instead I sit in silence and type,
This silly, unremarkable tripe,
It's really just not worth all the hype,
But I just thought the time was ripe.

The End....or is it?

2001-10-22T10:39:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
or
Things I Did Not Need

To add to the stress of the ole week before the show insanity, Dave has decided he's moving out, leaving me with our new roommate (who I have not met, but apparently has already been helping himself to our food) Victor, who Dave describes as "an evil, mad genius". Dave has decided to move out to pursue a career in Law, by taking the LSAT and going to KU. While I can not fault Dave for this (I am, in fact, rather proud of the ambition in the lad), this means he's going to "move in with his sister" to "save money".

Fuck me.

First Jim the wifebeater, now Dave.

I'm not sure I want to live with Victor, the mad genius, but then, I'm not sure what my other options are...I mean, do I move back to Lawrence temporarily? Do I find cheap, shitty digs in KC? And isn't great that Dave gave me 10 days to make a decision one way or the other.

Fuck it. I'm packing my shit up and moving to New York. Ginger, get that couch ready for me.

Awwwww...man....

Ciao

2001-10-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

p.s. Someone tell me what a dumb ass I am by posting a comment, so I can see if this thing works....c'mon people...work with me here.

2001-10-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

I Am A Dumb Ass

Though this is nothing new to you, my loyal friends and three big readers. Yesterday's BIG STUPID DUMB ASS THING WHAT I DID may in fact take the cake. I printed up precisely 100 posters for the show I'm directing this weekend. Pretty standard poster, with the title of the show, the nights it's playing, where it's at, etc.

Only one problem.

I put the wrong date on the poster.

So, as of now, it's playing on Friday, October 27, and Saturday, October 28. Which is funny...because those days don't exist...at least not this year.

And strangely, no one has noticed yet.

I'm glad everyone's as dumb as me. Anyway, I'm off to remedy this problem, and try to get off work early so I can rush into Lawrence and put the new posters up, quick-like, fore anyone notices.

The joys of stupidity are alot-fold.

Ciao

2001-10-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

Heh

Evil has a thousand faces. This one's one of my favorites.

2001-10-19T07:16:00.000-07:00

Technology can be Fun!

Alright...so the comment field is officially in place. It's large, ugly, ungainly, and very definetly BLUE, but it works, so try it out. C'mon...I know you want to.

Overheard from the stockbrokers down the hall--

" He's the kind of guy keeps the same wife for thirty years."

There is so much wrong with this I don't even know where to start....and this from guys who change into their suits in the bathroom AT THE OFFICE before work.

I cry for my world.

Ciao

2001-10-18T09:17:00.000-07:00

Another Perfect Fishy Catastrophe

2001-10-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Man Strikes Back

Shortly after we patted ourselves on the back, Erik recieved the following letter from none other than Mr. Man himself. He was, needless to say, less than pleased.

M. Man
1366 A. Hole Avenue
New York, fickin' New York

Ms. Green ---

Listen you snivly little twit. You take your two part
business plan and stick up your shit shoot. If I want
to be an asshole, I'm goin be an asshole any goddam
time in any goddam way I feel like. I might call you
right now just to fuck over your whole damn day.

People like you make me want to puke in my shoes, walk
around in those shoes all day, and then eat my own
puke for dinner and then eat my shoes for dessert. I
would smack you around but it ain't worth my time to
get up out of my recliner, find my pants, and come
over to where ever the hell you are.

If you ever send me another letter like this I will
find you, hurt you, have a beer to celebrate, hurt you
more, and then throw up my beer on you.

Most Affectionately,

Man

P.S. I do to have a George Foreman grill and I'll
grill up your ground beef in a particularly healthy
low-fat way any time I want!

2001-10-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

They rule the world, you know

My friend Erik sent me a sad e-mail today concerning the prolferation of assholes in the workplace...I concurred, and we drafted the following letter. Feel free to copy and paste.

Mr. Man
c/o The Big Office
Way Up In There Where All The Power Be, 57601
United States

Dear Mr. Man,

It has come to our attention that in the course of conducting that business which you conduct, in the manner in which you conduct it, your behaviour has been rather unexemplary. In fact, it has been downright hostile. Now, Mr. Man, we understand that you too may have had a hard life, and been abused as a child, and maybe you don't have your chakras aligned, or your bed is too hard, or you don't have a George Foreman (c) Power Grill, but that is not important right now.

Nay, what is very important to us (who have the pleasure of serving under you, sir) is that your behaviour towards us in your many previous correspondances, both in person and over the phone, has been asshole-y. You have said things like an asshole, done things like an asshole, and generally been pretty much an all-around asshole. At first we were permitting you to behave in this assholish manner. But now your assholesque qualities are getting out of hand.

It is with this position in mind that we suggest the following forward-thinking remedies:

--Stop being such an asshole.
--Don't be an asshole anymore

We feel that if you take our comprehensive two part business plan to heart, and use it to forward the thinking of both you, and your administrative teams, there would be much less asshol-iant behaviour in our workplace. Hopefully, you will find, with a less assholey department, productivity will be increased by an assload.

Sincerely,

Katie Green

(We felt that the Katie Green thing would really throw them off, and keep us out of trouble. We're just clever like that)

2001-10-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still around...

I've just been busy, okay! Lay off!

This week has been plagued by the dark specter of the work year-end summary "report". I have been slogging non-stop through said "report", and hence have not had time to keep you up to date on all the little things...rest assured, that after I smoke this report out, and bring it to justice, you'll get a full update on all the latest Willie wackiness and nerosis...

Until then, suffer.

Ciao

2001-10-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday of Reckoning.

Shouldn't have got out of bed today. But it seemed like the day was going to go well...got up early, took a shower while listening to the war on 89.3. I did my laundry over the weekend, so I had folded clothes, all fresh, nothing off the floor. I smelled and looked good--went to the Quick Trip to get a morning coffee, attempting to be untroubled by the grey and ominous sky, when a woman with frizzled hair and two teeth politely informed me that I was missing brake lights on one side, and only had two on the other.

Fuck.

This sucks ass.

I'm supposed to go to England for Christmas and I only have two hundred dollars saved for the ticket so far...if my car has expensive electrical problems, I am, as the French say, 'Le Fucked'. Why couldn't I just find some fat assed local Johnson County rich bitch and make her mine, I ask you...life would be so much simpler.

Anyway I am now in an official BAD MOOD. Tell me something good.

This helped a bit--my hobbit name is Mungo Knotwise. Heh. I thought it was dorky, till I realized Lucy's is Pearl Moss....so it goes.

Later.

2001-10-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

Not much to report today.

Firewater rocked.

The Kansas City Bar Scene sucks.

Fuck boxed wine.

You may resume your daily business.

2001-10-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

F DAY

That's right, kiddies...it's F DAY...that's Firewater Day, for you poor souls who are a bit, erm, out of the loop.

Tonight, Firewater will grace the stage of the Hurricane right here in River City. And yours truly, along with wacky sidekick/roomate Dave, and the ever-revolutionary Che Scott will be right there pulling pints and basking in their musical glory. It's almost too much. I have a tear in my eye already.

Not only is that something to celebrate about, but on top of everything else, our softball team, the Rain Dogs, have officially won our last two games. This brings our record to 2-9, AND the team we beat was in the running for first place. Beer was served in the parking lot after the victory.

I'm off to do a couple of hours of work before I relax into a Firewater and Guniess induced haze this evening. Must...get...coffee..

2001-10-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

Also, Herr Chairman has arrived, gone straight into meetings in the bosses office, and not come out.

Ve...are...vorried..

2001-10-03T11:09:00.000-07:00

Wow

City of Heros, slated for release in summer 2002, looks like it could kick some serious ass...or, it could suck some. This is one of those games I worry about...

Why must you take my life away, you evil computer game making bastards!

However, players don't get to fight each other, except in arena matches. I personally, don't mind that at all, but many of the kids I've played against over the Net are going to be disappointed. Hopefully, gameplay will be fun and interesting enough to make up for that. I spect we shall see.

Great. Now I have to get a new computer.

2001-10-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

Visit from the Chairman of the Board

The Chairman of the Board....I love it...it's so, I dunno--Monopoly. Isn't he supposed to give everybody $50 bucks, speaking of?

Anyway, so far, Herr Chairman has not shown up. The boss is pacing back and forth, wearing a navy blue blazer that looks like a blazer I wore to get baptised when I was 8 (yes, I was a pagan my first 7 years, but that's a whole 'nother story), and everyone is pretending to work, rather than congregating in the halls, swilling decaf, and talking art. It's really quite disconcerting.

I just really hope the boss comes up to me and says "Work Doubletime. The Chairman is coming.... and the Chairman is not as forgiving as I am

Then he'll reveal that he's my dad, that cute secretary down the hall is my twin princess sister, and I'll get to be a Jedi Knight.

Time for more coffee.

2001-10-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

ESCAPE!!

Having narrowly avoided a crisis situation at work, our hero lives to miss the bus another day!

Now off to the Velvet Dog for a victory Pint!

Hurrah!

For Tomorrow is business casual day!

2001-10-02T12:43:00.000-07:00

The Fucking Shit has hit the fan at work...
I hate reports...
Oh, and by the way...I have to dress up tomorrow--

"Our board chairman will visit the office tomorrow and meet with me and some other staff for most of the day about issues related to our leadership transition. He is one of our staunchest allies on the board and has high regard for this staff (so our job is to help him keep that opinion!). He will tour the office at different parts of the day to say "hello".

Please try to make our space as presentable as possible, recognizing its accute limitations. For you newcomers, your attire will be fine as long as it seems "appropriate" -- business suits are not at all needed, but by the same token t-shirts and shorts would be ill-advised. Just keep it in the middle of the spectrum -- anything thought of as "business casual" will be quite satisfactory.

Most of all, demonstrate to him that we all are the hard-working and capable staff that I know we are, and that he believes is the case.

Thanks.

The CEO"

Guess now is not the time for my new leather pants...

2001-10-02T08:22:00.000-07:00

Upon a Tuesday--

Tuesday is like Monday,
without all the anticipation of the full week ahead
No excitement thinking of what could be accomplished
Just the dull drudgery of working to accomplish them
The weekend but a fleeting memory
The reality of the week ahead
and tired eyes from reading the night before
while the sun taps lightly on the windows
and beckons me outside
"I'd love to go, Mr. Sun,
but that would mean plummeting eight floors down to my death!"
Mr. Sun just laughs,
and says, "Get Back To Work, See If I Care, For My Light Will Continue
To Gloriously Beckon You,
To Warm You
To Bring You Out From Your Cruel Fiscally-Imposed Incarceration,
To Dance In The Fields In My Glory
For I am the Sun!"
That's why Mr. Sun
is an asshole.

2001-10-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

Monday morning...somehow it always seems to come around after the weekend. It's not fair, really. I'm thinking of protesting...if only I could wake up enough to get angry...

Favorite Quote heard on NPR this morning on the way to work--

"On one hand, you've got the president telling you to take your children to Disneyland, not to be afraid; then on the other hand, you've got a general who's authorized to shoot your plane down if it gets to close to a national monument."

That, my friends, is the world we live in now.

Good morning.

2001-09-28T14:45:00.000-07:00

Potential Titles for My Autobiography:

"I'm supposed to be where?"
"What Happened?"
"Beer--Nature's Anti-depressent"
"I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday"
"It Seemed Like A Good Idea Last Night"
"Women I've Loved"
"Bitches I've Loved"
"Lesbians I've Loved"
"Lesbian Bitches I've Loved"
"Lesbian Bitches I Thought I Loved But It Was Probably Something I Ate"
"Writer Boy Deludes Himself Into Thinking Someone Cares"
"How To Beat The Stock Market, and Other Concepts I Should Have Paid Attention To In Class"
"Losing Gracefully: A Softball Primer"
"I Really Should Be Working"
"How To Make 25K a Year Without Really Trying"
"If I Could Do It All Over Again, I'd Try to Rember Some of It"
"Funky Cold Medina"
and, finally,
"Confessions of a chain-smoking broke ass muthafucka"

Feel free to vote via email...I'll get started on it next week, I swear.

2001-09-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

If you have not done so yet, check out The Onion this week.

Brilliantly bittersweet. Nice work, Onion folks.

2001-09-26T08:40:00.000-07:00

Special Thanks to Scott for pointing out my spelling errors...because with content like this, we can't afford to get caught up in the little things.

2001-09-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

Dateline: Wednesday---

Treatise on my Job
by Ned Niederlander

I am that guy.
I am the guy stuck on the eigth floor
In a big office
Tucked away from everyone
With the radio on "at a reasonable volume".
I am the guy
Who is given the work
Of the overlords
On the floor below
When they don't want to do it
or need to go out for the afternoon
or they attend the neverending "meeting"
that always seems to go on in the bosses office
with different faces nodding and
rambiling about the need to outsource.
Lit by desk lamps and the ever-present glow of the computer
I warm my hands with my breath
on this cold autumn day
and look at the work
They've accumulated for me.
And then I go and screw around on the net.

2001-09-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

could it be this easy to post a link?...twould make things much easier.

2001-09-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

Plastic's got some interesting articles today...it's a fun place to go, if you haven't been there already. It's a collection of news stories with threads, all moderated by folks who've spent way too much time there. I am one of them. Occasionally frustrating, sometimes enlightening, and frighteningly addictive, I highly recommend it as a top time waster.

2001-09-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

I missed the bus.

For the first time since a brief stint in elementary school, I decided it was time to take the bus. Save gas, encourage public transport, be a good citizen, all of that.

And then I missed the bus.

It wasn't as dramatic as that time in college, when I had to chase the bus down, on the one day I was wearing a pair of shorts that were too large, so they kept slipping down as I ran, and I had to keep one hand holding them up, the other on my backpack, and run frantically down the street screaming "Hey! Bus!"; but it was still a sheer miss all the same.

I watched it drive off into the sunset, towards work, steaming tailpipe and all.

And I'm a half hour late for work. No one seems to have noticed, though. Prolly cause I keep a low profile, yo.

Damn, and I had a beautiful essay concerning modern usage of the word "pussy" planned for today.

You'll just have to come back, I guess. Sorry.

Must get coffee.

2001-09-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

Looks as though Scott's
got a nicely phrased essay concerning reflections from the past couple of weeks. The boy's got a way with words, I tell you.

Even if he is a wuss who reads Oprah books.

2001-09-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

I just turned on the light in my office...it seems warmer now

The illusion of heat, however, is a poor substitute for heat itself.

2001-09-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

Monday...again...

My office is fucking freezing. We're talking sub-zero temperatures in here, people. My breath can see it's breath. Normally I have me a nice cup of coffee on the drive to KC, today, however, I had to get a new cup once I got here, cause the coffee got cold on the drive. My life, she is so difficult. So, I've upped my caffene intake for the day by 100%. I'll probably be writing in here a lot, if I can keep my hands from shaking...they do say too much caffene can hurt your attention span....HEY LOOK A BIKE, LET'S GO FOR A RIDE WEEE!

Later.

2001-09-21T11:46:00.000-07:00

It's Friday...no bosses...beautiful day....

Fuck it. I'm leaving early.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

2001-09-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

Both my bosses are out today.

I can smoke in my office.

Spent all day looking at blogs.

Tonight, rehersal and then beer.

Possibly Playstation.

Life is good.

2001-09-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh....the Incredibly Lightness of Bean

I love coffee.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I love it.

And not that fancy triple-mocha-latte-with-whipped-cream bullshit, either. Just plain ole black coffee, occasionally Hazelnut flavored (but only at the Pig.) poured steaming into a cardboard cup and served to me by a fed up looking woman with many piercings who's itching to get in a debate on the relative merits of post-modern thought, or at least pop a couple of E's.

It all goes back to high school. It was there, at the local Perkin's restaraunt, where my love affair with coffee began. I'm sorry for the "back in high school" story, but to truley understand the depth of this obsession, you'll have to sit through some background on this. I was a debator, and me and the other debators would meet at Perkins, there, there to study. There the ritual began. Get coffee, get cigarettes, place cigarettes to the left of coffee (I'm left handed, maybe you righties put them to the right, I don't particularly care, you elitest bastards), lighter on the left. Sip coffee, pull out files one by one (and making great show of it all, to prove you've RESEARCHED the material, even though you just photocopied it out of Rand the night before), spread the materials in an absolutely unintellegible pile all around you, light said cigarette, take a drag, and then that first sip.

Twas beautiful. The ritual's a bit refined, but always roughtly the same...in the real world, it's all the papers your boss gave you, instead of photocopies. You have to cut the cigarettes out (at least while you're at work), and the sturdy Perkin's mug that has contained that sweet nectar of the Gods is replaced by whatever takeout cup your local coffee shop hands out. But the effect is the same. Calming, focusing.

Nature's way of saying--"Alright. We're here. Everything's in place. Let's get started."

I love coffee.

Oh--and both my bosses are gone today. Hence the long entry. Prolly be back later too.

I gotta go drink coffee.

2001-09-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

My fucking watch is broken. I don't know why. I've treated it nice. I've coddled it, cared for it, put it away in it's little package at night, sang it songs in the morning, and generally loved the hell out of it (and yes, I took it off before I showered...except that once), and now the thing repays me by breaking. Not a clean break...like a broken link or one of the hands stopping, ne'er to move again, but a far more insidious form of dysfunction...it slows down.
I woke up today, late, at 9. Freaked out, looked at said watch, which read 8:15...calmed down considerably, until I got in my car, and it read 9 as well...something was wrong, horribly awry. I was stuck between time zones, with no coffee, and the effect was chilling...
....my watch...
...my link to time, to the outside world....
A gift from Lucy, my pride and joy, my little Sekonoa had betrayed me...
Had made me cocky in the face of lateness.

I'm a man without time now....

Amazing how fast we get enslaved by such a silly abstract concept...

Oh. Time to smoke...

2001-09-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

trying out HTML stuff...please bear with me.

2001-09-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

Reading: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

2001-09-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

Monday morning.

God I hate Monday morning.

Everything's still grey...a dark and rainy weekend. Last night the Angry Thunder of The Gods was upon our little region of the midwest. There's something so relaxing about falling asleep warm and safe while outside God bellows and pours down rain and light. At least, it's relaxing if you're not outside...in which case it sucks.

My exciting weekend, here for you to enjoy--

Friday night--left work a half hour early, as there wasn't much being done by anyone at that point. Everyone seemed ot have this universal fatigue by Friday, and rather than phone it in for the rest of the day, yours truly decided to exeunt stage right at 4:30. Went over to Auman's, where we proceeded to play Madden 2001 football on our friend John's Playstation 2, and drink copious amounts of beer. It was, I must admit, a choice way of escaping from the heaviness of the past week--until--

Sat--Woke up on Auman's couch. Felt like Le' Ass from the night before. Decided it would be wise to eat, call Lucy, and then take a four hour nap. Mission accomplished, and well worth it. I didn't really have any plans for the weekend anyway. After the nap, dragged sad ass to shower, shaved, put on nice fresh clothes and deoderant, and then, smelling like a sweet, sweet rose, went to Jerry and Kitty's house for their annual wine and cheese party. Unfortunately, we had to have it indoors this year, due to the rain, but it was still nice. Friends, wine, cheese, and foucasia (sp?) bread. Hung out till one, and then called Lucy (for the second time that day). Fell into a blissful sleep, and had many wonderful dreams I can't remember.

Sunday--Woke about 11, disconcerted for no apparent reason. Went and got coffee, and met with Kay. Very exciting stuff. After that, I went over to Auman's and watched videos, Sopranos, and Band of Brothers. I reluctantly admit that Band of Brothers is pretty damn good. I was skeptical, but it won me over. I hate that when that happens. Went home and went to bed. Had trouble getting up this morning....some dream that was really nice, but of course, I can't remember it...I hate that.

So today, it seems we'll pull the pieces back together, and start the process of getting on with our collective lives...

Life's funny that way.

Oh, and by the way, tell them to stop postponing comedies...I think it's time we laughed again.

Ciao

2001-09-14T12:18:00.000-07:00

It's frustrating...all this information pouring in, all of it having to do with ATTACK ON AMERICA (c), and most of it contrasting and alarmist. I know I said No World Trade Center talk, but you just can't get away from it. Haven't seen a commercial in days...
I'm not getting any work done today, sent off some faxes, and puttered around the office, cleaning it up. Smoked. Took my hour of silence the boss gave us to research (guess what) ATTACK ON AMERICA (c). Drank coffee and ate too much lunch. I really want to head back to Lawrence this weekend, hang out with the friends, drink too much, and remember what it is to be happy. Everything in K.C. is grey right now. Grey and with that touch of chill autumn brings. Seems Autumn's come early this year...

2001-09-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

Alright...had fun with the site meter, monkeyed with the settings, and now everything should be in position for maximum bullshitting...
I hope you're ready.
Cause I'm not

2001-09-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

think I gots me a sitemeter now

2001-09-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

Alright...I've changed templates, and everything seems to be fine. A note to those who keep getting that terrifying 503 error, keep trying templates till you get one that works. It took me three tries, but on the third one, I ended up with this beautiful working template that looks just like everyone elses does.
Work's exciting today, I put together a whole chair. The "Executive Leather Recliner" from Office Depot even includes an Allen wrench for your convinence. What it doesn't include is the pliers you need to get pressure on the Allen wrench so the fuckin' screws will go in proper-like. However, after much manly grunting and swearing, a minor flesh wound, and a bit of duct tape, it came together nicely, and Diane (who's new "Executive Leather Recliner" it was) promised me a piece of choclate cake next week. I'm such a cake whore.
I have decided that there will be no discussion of the World Trade Center bombing on this site.
Of course, I just did.
This is not a pipe.
Ciao.

2001-09-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

god I hope this works.

2001-09-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

what the hell?

2001-09-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

Soon, die Fishy Die will rule the world. As soon, that is, as I can figure out how to use it.